Penny: Welcome back to our non-stop, repetitive coverage of Hurricane Irene, the Category 1 storm that has killed more than a dozen people, cost billions in damage, and limited the pizza delivery options of New Yorkers.
Dan: Right, Penny, this is a dangerous storm, which is why we’re here rather than the normal loser weekend anchors.
Penny: Of course, Dan, my presence here has nothing to do with JFK cancelling my flight to Bermuda. Now, instead of actual reporting, we’re going to read you some updates from random people on Twitter and Facebook.
Dan: Susie from Staten Island reports that the little mermaid Ariel has beached herself on Far Rockaway. She probably missed an exit while coming up the Atlantic, which is why we warn you to stay inside where it’s safe.
Penny: Definitely, there’s no sense putting your life at risk. Now, let’s go to our high school intern Chip reporting from a life raft tied to a minke whale on its way to the Cape.
Chip: Oh, my God, I’m so scared. I don’t think this whale is a strong swimmer. It’s sort of dog paddling.
Penny: That’s great, Chip. So, what are you seeing out there?
Chip: It’s pretty much just like the footage you’re showing except I’m out here and in great peril. I am still getting college credit at Columbia, right?
Penny: Exactly, credit at a college in Colombia. Now, let’s go to Dan with more updates from Facebook.
Dan: Thanks, Penny, Marty from Montauk says that trees are down on Route 28 but that Bigfoot is helping clear them away and directing traffic from the more treacherous areas.
Penny: What a swell guy. So, again we want to stress that it’s dangerous out there, please stay home and ride this out. That’s the sane and responsible thing to do. Now, let’s go to Lois reporting live from the Statue of Liberty.
Lois: Hello, Penny, as you can see I’m out on the torch here. It’s closed to the public but I broke in to demonstrate how stupid it would be if you were to come out here during this storm. In fact, I’m going to stand on the ledge in my six-inch heels and wave my arms to reinforce my point.
Penny: Good luck with that, Lois. Dan, any more Facebook updates?
Dan: Yes, Irrationally Worried Grandmother in Ohio is convinced that the hurricane has killed her grandson who lives in Sacramento.
Penny: Well, if he doesn’t call her within the hour, I think that’s the only possible conclusion. Has Irene spread to the West Coast? We’ll have more on that later in the hour but first let’s see if Lois is dead yet.
Lois: I’m still very much alive, Penny.
Penny: Oh, shucks. Well, maybe Chip.
Dan: Yeah, he’s a goner. That whale can’t swim worth a damn. Lois, I see you’re still standing on the torch.
Lois: Yes, Dan, and for my next trick, I’m going to do the Charleston while holding my head back with my mouth open while trying not to drown.
Penny: Amazing, look at her go! And to think she has no training in dance.
Lois: No, actually, I’ve taken dance classes. I just never went to journalism school.
Dan: Well, that makes sense.