Another entry in the “not an Onion article” series:
Jeremiah Heaton was playing with his daughter in their Abingdon, Va., home last winter when she asked whether she could be a real princess.
Heaton, a father of three who works in the mining industry, didn’t want to make any false promises to Emily, then 6, who was “big on being a princess.” But he still said yes.
“As a parent you sometimes go down paths you never thought you would,” Heaton said.
Within months, Heaton was journeying through the desolate southern stretches of Egypt and into an unclaimed 800-square-mile patch of arid desert. There, on June 16 — Emily’s seventh birthday — he planted a blue flag with four stars and a crown on a rocky hill. The area, a sandy expanse sitting along the Sudanese border, morphed from what locals call Bir Tawil into what Heaton and his family call the “Kingdom of North Sudan.”
Kee-rist. When your goofy, spoiled kid asks if she can be a princess, a sane person should say, “No.” She is a citizen of a country that has no monarchy. Why is that fantasy still acceptable after all the trouble your ancestors went through to fight a revolution, make hypocritical statements about democracy, and displace the indigenous population? I guess tea and taxes are the only things Americans won’t forgive.
Why not go all out and marry her off, without her consultation, to the in-bred future ruler of some other country as an act of diplomacy? That’s what being a princess was all about, after all.
And, young men of the future, whatever you do, no matter how initially tempted, do not under any circumstance date a woman whose father made her a “real” princess when she was a seven. She will never let that go, and she will never carry her own luggage or shopping bags, or take out garbage or even comprehend the concept of waste products. Move on. Find a nice serf. Those wenches know how to party.