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The Famous Celebrity Interview…

27 Dec

The only Famous Celebrity Interview you’ll ever need to read.

I am a writer who specializes in Famous Celebrity interviews. You are not interested in me but this feature will be in first person anyway. Famous Celebrity has agreed to meet me someplace in New York or Los Angeles that Famous Celebrity’s publicist believes will further the illusion of Famous Celebrity’s normality. Famous Celebrity is late, so I will share with you how I occupy my time while waiting for Famous Celebrity.

If we are meeting at a restaurant, I will describe it in every hip detail. If we are someplace else, I will make obvious comments about the people around me. You are not interested in this but I believe it adds color to my Famous Celebrity interview.

Famous Celebrity eventually arrives with an excuse intended to further underscore Famous Celebrity’s normality. If we are in New York, Famous Celebrity had trouble getting a cab or better yet was stuck on the subway with a sick passenger. If we are in L.A., Famous Celebrity was stuck in traffic. See, Famous Celebrity takes NYC public transportation or drives Famous Celebrity’s own car in L.A. If Famous Celebrity doesn’t do this, it’s because Famous Celebrity’s oppressive fame has robbed Famous Celebrity of the pleasures of sitting next to a strange person on the subway who smells lke urine or not moving for hours in rush-hour traffic.

Here is where I describe what Famous Celebrity looks like, even though Famous Celebrity is famous so you probably already know. Famous Celebrity is dressed casually so my description will serve as a counterpoint to the pictures by Famous Celebrity Photographer that accompany the article. If Famous Celebrity is female, the sexy photos of her wearing barely nothing will seem especially ironic as Famous Celebrity will make a point of commenting on how she is actually quite shy and does not feel sexy. My description of Famous Celebrity will include quotes from other articles about Famous Celebrity. My only original contribution is to state that these quotes are both true and yet not true.

If we are at a restaurant, Famous Celebrity orders a meal, which I describe in every possible Food Network detail because it is news to you that Famous Celebrity survives by consuming calories to replace the ones that Famous Celebrity expends during the course of the day. I also describe what I’m eating because I am part of this story.

A fan approaches Famous Celebrity and Famous Celebrity is quite gracious. I believe this is how Famous Celebrity always is because I can’t imagine Famous Celebrity’s behavior altering due to the presence of a writer for a national magazine. Famous Celebrity makes a living performing for people but I know that Famous Celebrity is the real deal during our meeting because Famous Celebrity could never fool me, a journalist.

If we are in New York, Famous Celebrity tells me how at home Famous Celebrity feels in the city. Famous Celebrity is not in New York often but has an apartment here in a trendy neighborhood. Famous Celebrity offers to take me on a tour of Famous Celebrity’s favorite spots in the neighborhood. If we are in Los Angeles, Famous Celebrity takes me on a drive in Famous Celebrity’s very expensive car. If Famous Celebrity is male, the car is possibly one that he collects and restored. If Famous Celebrity is female, she will have trouble finding things in the car, which I will find adorable. If Famous Celebrity is of the opposite sex, Famous Celebrity makes me feel as if we’re on a date. If Famous Celebrity is the same sex, Famous Celebrity makes me feel like we’re buddies. If Famous Celebrity is gay, Famous Celebrity does not talk about it.

At some point, I pull out my tape recorder or notebook, depending on how retro I am. I also mention that I’m doing this so that you remember that I’m a reporter. It’s possible you forgot when I described getting a mani-pedi with Famous Celebrity or sampling local beers at Famous Celebrity’s favorite microbrewery.

I then get tough with Famous Celebrity — I am a journalist, after all — and inquire about Famous Celebrity’s Famous Celebrity Scandal. Famous Celebrity is pensive, caught off guard by my probing questions, but recovers in time to repeat what Famous Celebrity carefully rehearsed with Famous Celebrity’s publicist.

“What people don’t understand,” Famous Celebrity says, “is that the situation is far more complicated than the media makes it out to be.”

Although I am part of the media, I know that Famous Celebrity does not consider me part of the media that Famous Celebrity dislikes. I know this because Famous Celebrity and I are on a date or are buddies hanging out together.

Famous Celebrity does not enjoy the celebrity culture. Famous Celebrity’s famous celebrity friends, who I also interview and who Famous Celebrity refers to by their first names, tell me how not a part of that culture Famous Celebrity is. Famous Celebrity just wants to do Famous Celebrity’s job. Although these interviews are technically part of that job, Famous Celebrity wants to just do Famous Celebrity’s job without the interviews, as the lunches at fancy NY restaurants and drives down the California coastline at sunset are as tedious as your job’s Monday morning budget meetings are for you. We joke a bit about some of the dumb things Famous Celebrity has been asked in previous interviews. I know that I’ve not asked Famous Celebrity anything that Famous Celebrity will later joke about with another writer.

I realize the whole point of the interview is to promote Famous Celebrity’s current project. However, writing this interview like a short story is what separates me from the guys who work in advertising. I am a creative person, just like Famous Celebrity. During our date or time hanging out, we discuss creative things and I believe Famous Celebrity gets me and gets that I get Famous Celebrity.

Famous Celebrity feels a bit trapped in the business and after Famous Celebrity’s next high-paying project, Famous Celebrity will take some time off — maybe start a family because that’s something people can only really do when not working. If Famous Celebrity already has a family, Famous Celebrity will comment on how being a parent has changed Famous Celebrity.

Famous Celebrity might also run for political office or do some work for the U.N. because Famous Celebrity has opinions that are similar to yours but are also unique because Famous Celebrity is famous and has met the president.

After our time together has ended, Famous Celebrity contacts me a few days later to clarify a point Famous Celebrity had made. It is especially cool if Famous Celebrity calls because Famous Celebrity remembered the ingredient in a recipe Famous Celebrity and I had discussed. I like including this part because it reinforces that Famous Celebrity has my phone number.

Sometimes Famous Celebrity contacts me to ask that I not print an offhand comment Famous Celebrity made. The statement has no news value and I probably wouldn’t have included it anyway. However, now I must because Famous Celebrity asked me to remove it and I am a journalist.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Pop Life, Social Commentary

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

6 responses to “The Famous Celebrity Interview…

  1. dedc79

    December 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Spot on. It mystifies me that people read them since, as you pointed out, they’re all formatted from a single madlibs template where only the proper nouns change.

     
  2. fudgeit

    December 28, 2011 at 3:27 am

    you forgot the bit where if the interviewee is female, she is always, always curled up on a sofa with her shoes off and her feet tucked in making her look oh so tiny and fragile…

     
  3. Amy

    January 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

    If celebrity is female, it is also noted that she wears little to no makeup but is still striking.

     
  4. Honda Los Angeles

    January 16, 2012 at 1:10 am

    Pretty spot on and trust me, I have read hundreds of celeb interviews in magazines like Cosmo or Allure. It’s always at a restaurant and they always describe what they are eating. No matter how hot the celeb is she always has to emphasize how she was an ugly duckling and all of that so we can relate to her.

     
  5. AliceCorrine

    February 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Reblogged this on alicecorrine and commented:
    This is funny – thanks to MC for sharing it on FB.

     
    • Stephen Robinson

      February 2, 2012 at 5:48 pm

      Thanks, Alice! I appreciate it. Glad you stopped by and hope you return.

       

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