I like to keep my Valentine’s Day celebrations simple and classic — beaten with clubs and stones, then beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate.

I wonder if Nikolas Harbar would give me a good deal on his Subaru provided he thoroughly disinfected it first.

Portland, Oregon couple Stephanie Pelzner and Nikolas Harbar are less traditional. They were arrested yesterday after giving police the mistaken impression that Pelzner was about to become the cold open victim in an episode of Criminal Minds. Not sure how they got that idea: Oh, right, a witness spotted Harbar, 31, putting a nude Pelzner, 26, into the back of his blue Subaru Legacy. According to the Daily Mail (where I get all my Portland news), Pelzner was “tied up and her mouth was covered with duct tape.”

My question is this: I’m considering purchasing a Subaru. Now, do I have to ask the previous owner if at any point some woman’s naked ass was in direct contact with where I intend to put my groceries? Or is that a given and I should just go with a Ford hybrid?

The media, both foreign and domestic, seem intent on referring to either the couple as “kinky” or their actions as “kinky.” The latter, more conservative choice probably stems from the journalistic tenant that one kinky act does not officially categorize someone as “kinky.” You need a bit more proof — evidence of strange oils in the home, subscription to Cinemax beyond the freebie month they occasionally give you, porn brazenly downloaded in plain sight on the computer and not hidden away in a folder lamely titled “So Not Porn.”

The story has prompted dozens of comments on the Portland Police Bureau’s Facebook page, many of them critical of the decision by officers to arrest the couple.

What was the police supposed to do? They’ve probably seen Criminal Minds. No one wants to be the local Barney Fife deputy who lets the sadistic serial killer go. You got Shemar Moore and the stringy-haired genius looking at you like you’re stupid: “So, when you stopped the car, you heard, ‘Help me, somebody please help me’ coming from the trunk but you didn’t detain the unsub?” “Well, he told me it was just his iPod playing ‘DMSR’ by Prince. Good song, you know.”

Was it worth arresting the couple when it was clear the only crime that had been committed was against common decency? The police say yes:

‘The concern is their actions created a pretty substantial public alarm, to the point where you have a 911 caller saying she’s concerned about this person tied up naked in the back of a car,’ Lt Robert King, a police spokesman, told the Los Angeles Times.

Seems sensible. Maybe they could give out “kinky” licenses, so everyone knows they’re on the up and up. It could be a shield in the image of David Wu, Oregon’s former tiger-suit wearing Congressional representative. When you describe what you’ve seen to 911, they’ll ask, “Did you notice a Wu stamp on the suspect’s person or vehicle?” “Yes, yes I did, now that you mention it.” “OK, then it was just a standard Tiger Suit 420. Nothing to worry about. Carry on.”