Tag Archives: David Wu

Criminal Minds: Portlandia…

I like to keep my Valentine’s Day celebrations simple and classic — beaten with clubs and stones, then beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate.

I wonder if Nikolas Harbar would give me a good deal on his Subaru provided he thoroughly disinfected it first.

Portland, Oregon couple Stephanie Pelzner and Nikolas Harbar are less traditional. They were arrested yesterday after giving police the mistaken impression that Pelzner was about to become the cold open victim in an episode of Criminal Minds. Not sure how they got that idea: Oh, right, a witness spotted Harbar, 31, putting a nude Pelzner, 26, into the back of his blue Subaru Legacy. According to the Daily Mail (where I get all my Portland news), Pelzner was “tied up and her mouth was covered with duct tape.”

My question is this: I’m considering purchasing a Subaru. Now, do I have to ask the previous owner if at any point some woman’s naked ass was in direct contact with where I intend to put my groceries? Or is that a given and I should just go with a Ford hybrid?

The media, both foreign and domestic, seem intent on referring to either the couple as “kinky” or their actions as “kinky.” The latter, more conservative choice probably stems from the journalistic tenant that one kinky act does not officially categorize someone as “kinky.” You need a bit more proof — evidence of strange oils in the home, subscription to Cinemax beyond the freebie month they occasionally give you, porn brazenly downloaded in plain sight on the computer and not hidden away in a folder lamely titled “So Not Porn.”

The story has prompted dozens of comments on the Portland Police Bureau’s Facebook page, many of them critical of the decision by officers to arrest the couple.

What was the police supposed to do? They’ve probably seen Criminal Minds. No one wants to be the local Barney Fife deputy who lets the sadistic serial killer go. You got Shemar Moore and the stringy-haired genius looking at you like you’re stupid: “So, when you stopped the car, you heard, ‘Help me, somebody please help me’ coming from the trunk but you didn’t detain the unsub?” “Well, he told me it was just his iPod playing ‘DMSR’ by Prince. Good song, you know.”

Was it worth arresting the couple when it was clear the only crime that had been committed was against common decency? The police say yes:

‘The concern is their actions created a pretty substantial public alarm, to the point where you have a 911 caller saying she’s concerned about this person tied up naked in the back of a car,’ Lt Robert King, a police spokesman, told the Los Angeles Times.

Seems sensible. Maybe they could give out “kinky” licenses, so everyone knows they’re on the up and up. It could be a shield in the image of David Wu, Oregon’s former tiger-suit wearing Congressional representative. When you describe what you’ve seen to 911, they’ll ask, “Did you notice a Wu stamp on the suspect’s person or vehicle?” “Yes, yes I did, now that you mention it.” “OK, then it was just a standard Tiger Suit 420. Nothing to worry about. Carry on.”

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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in Social Commentary


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Pelosi: Princess of Power…

I confess I was a little concerned about this whole debt-ceiling, default, financial ruin, Chinese overlords issue but fortunately, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi provided these calming words of reassurance in an interview regarding Oregon’s tiger-suited embarrassment David Wu:

“He’s resigning from office,” Pelosi said in response to a question from a Washington Post reporter. “So what we’re trying to do is save the world from the Republican budget; we’re trying to save life on this planet as we know it today.”  

Obviously, Pelosi can’t be bothered with this distracting, comic-relief b-plot when she’s busy gearing up to face off against the Death Star that is the Republican budget. Here I had mistakenly presumed this was all a petty partisan squabble with the nation’s economic health on the line but in reality, it’s something that’s previewed after the closing credits for “Captain America.”

Pelosi later referred to Speaker John Boehner’s plan to raise the debt ceiling as a “job-killer.” She apparently still thinks the U.S. has jobs. If that’s the plan’s goal, it’s wasting its time as much as a youth-sucking vampire stalking Larry King.

“If you believe in that the education of our children, the retirement of our seniors, the creation of jobs in a fiscally sound way, you couldn’t possibly vote for the bill that the Republicans are bringing to the floor today,” Pelosi said Thursday.

Wait, there’s a way to create jobs in a non-fiscally sound way? Is she referring to organized crime or the possible return of all those Internet start-ups from the late ’90s?

Regarding seniors, Pelosi claimed that if the Republican proposal passes, “You can just kiss Medicare goodbye.”

I’m afraid now that President Obama will have no choice but to pull a gun on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and demand that he convince Pelosi to “chill out.”

Meanwhile, freshman Republicans are also going bonkers: According to the Washington Post, Rep. Mike Kelly “handed out to colleagues blue-and-orange signs” with the Notre Dame’s football slogan, “Play Like a Champion Today.”

“Put on your helmets. Buckle your chin straps. Run out on the field. Let’s knock the shit out of them,” Kelly told the group.

So on the left, we have She-Ra who believes this is an epic battle between good and the Republican minions of Lord Hordak, and on the right, we have the callow frat boy who thinks this is a college football game. This reminds me of something Thomas Jefferson once said to James Madison:

“I say, the earth belongs to each of these generations during its course, fully and in its own right. The second generation receives it clear of the debts and incumbrances of the first, the third of the second, and so on. For if the first could charge it with a debt, then the earth would belong to the dead and not to the living generation. Then, no generation can contract debts greater than may be paid during the course of its own existence. Now… let’s go knock the shit out of them and save the planet. By the power of Grayskull!”

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Posted by on July 28, 2011 in Political Theatre


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