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Temporary Aberrations…

30 Sep

Newt Gingrich, former House Speaker and current failed presidential candidate, made the following comment about gay marriage.

“I believe that marriage is between a man and woman,” Gingrich said, the Des Moines Register reports. “It has been for all of recorded history and I think this is a temporary aberration that will dissipate. I think that it is just fundamentally goes against everything we know.”

Sometimes I think the true “temporary aberration” is the United States itself, which produces bigots as if they are the country’s chief export.

Gingrich is not the only GOP presidential candidate to appeal to “recorded history” regarding gay marriage. Let’s check in with everyone’s favorite Congressional representative and mental patient Michele Bachmann, who said in 2004:

“You have a teacher talking about his gayness. (The elementary school student) goes home then and says “Mom! What’s gayness? We had a teacher talking about this today.” The mother says “Well, that’s when a man likes other men, and they don’t like girls.” The boy’s eight. He’s thinking, “Hmm. I don’t like girls. I like boys. Maybe I’m gay.” And you think, “Oh, that’s, that’s way out there. The kid isn’t gonna think that.” Are you kidding? That happens all the time. You don’t think that this is intentional, the message that’s being given to these kids? That’s child abuse.”

Sorry, this quote doesn’t directly reference gay marriage. It’s just dumb. Sure, the 8-year-old boy is now a committed homosexual (just as I was a committed ninja at that age) until his female classmate shows up one day with breasts. If a boy can pass the breast test, then he deserves his gay honor badge, but hearing that his teacher is gay is not going to make him gay. Gayness is not spread through auditory contact. If that was the case, then everyone who listened to “Livin’ la Vida Loca” in 1999 would be gay.

Anyway, a more relevant quote from Bachmann during a recent appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

“The family is foundational and marriage between a man and a woman is what the law has been for years..”

Got that? So, gays can’t marry because that’s been the law for years and we can’t change the law because gays have historically not been able to marry.

That’s probably why it took so long for the self-proclaimed-but-rarely-in-actuality “land of the free” to end its “peculiar institution.” “We can’t free negroes because they are slaves and slavery has existed for centuries and is the foundation of our economy.”

There’s the other rub — end slavery and some lazy white people might have to work. What would happen to Scarlett’s hands if she had to wash her own gowns? Gays marrying has no impact on the economic health of the U.S. Empire. So, the anti-gay marriage position does not even have the virtue of selfishness.

Also, put a powdered wig on Gingrich — though I think that’s what he’s already wearing — and he could be arguing against female suffrage: “I believe that only men can vote because I say so with no facts to back it up. I believe the suffrage movement is a temporary aberration that will dissipate. It goes against everything we’ve ever known.”

Gay marriage has probably existed throughout recorded history, even if not legally recognized as such. The attempt by people like Gingrich and Bachmann is to legislate homosexuality out of existence — the legal equivalent of putting their hands over their ears and shouting, “La, La, La, I can’t hear gay people being gay around me.” They also simultaneously promote family values while denying that gays can have families, so homosexuality remains on the margins of society. This is how you ensure they remain second-class citizens. And “converting” to heterosexuality won’t help. It’s similar to the Jews and Muslims who converted under pressure to Roman Catholicism in Portugal. They were dubbed “New Christians” as a means of distinguishing them from the “Old Christians.” And they were always under suspicion.

Gingrich has already expressed his concerns:

“I think there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment. I think it is prepared to use the government if it can get control of it. I think that it is a very dangerous threat to anybody who believes in traditional religion.”

But Bachmann is more sympathetic — if not sort of sinisterly condescending — of the “New Heterosexuals“:

“And again, don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgendered. We need to have profound compassion for the people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life, and sexual identity disorders. This is a very real issue. It’s not funny, it’s sad.”

Sad, indeed.

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2011 in Political Theatre

 

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Budapest…

29 Sep
Budapest…

Berlin and Munich have history, Amsterdam has my short-term memory, but Budapest has old world charm. I have longed to visit Hungary since my childhood fascination with Countess Elizabeth Bathory. The Countess is considered the first vampire because at some point, she struck one of her servants so hard she drew blood. Apparently, the guy she had who normally handled her bitch-slapping was on holiday. When she looked at her blood-stained hand, she noticed that it seemed younger than it had before. Rather than examining her life and determining that she was crazy, she began killing young women and bathing in their blood to preserve her youth. There were laws about this sort of thing, even when you’re doing it to poor people. She was believed to have murdered more than 600 women but was only convicted of about 80, which was still a dozen or so above the legal limit for royalty, so she was bricked up in a set of rooms until her death four years later. Attendance at her funeral was only slightly better than the “Lestat” musical.

I did not drink any blood while in Budapest, despite my hotel being on Barnabas street. The hotel had a great view of the Danube river, which divides the Buda and Pest districts. Well, it did if you left your room altogether and walked two blocks to the river. The hotel was the type of place that charged you for everything. The rooms had Internet access but the cost was similar to what Stephen I, King of Hungary, might have paid to have noblewomen come to his rooms and perform pornographic acts while delivering a right-wing screed that wasn’t backed up in fact.

I took a river cruise one night, where I had the “pleasure” (those are irony quotation marks) of meeting the most obnoxious woman in the world, so yes, she was from New Jersey. Her eyebrows appeared to have been trimmed at the Vulcan Salon and Spa in Teaneck. She was visiting Budapest for the weekend but currently working in Prague. She spent a good deal of time complaining about how Czechs were not friendly to her, which I viewed as an example of both their good taste and evidence that even Prague does not have enough beer to make her desirable. It greatly bothered her that they wouldn’t make sandwiches the way she wanted (it’s a Czech restaurant not Subway) or remember to put the sauces on the side per her request (again, it’s a Czech dish, not what Woody Allen called “boiled chicken” run “through the deflavorizing machine.”).

I should clarify that I had nothing to do with her suddenly and accidentally falling into the Danube and drowning. I actually wasn’t even on that river cruise. It was another cruise entirely. I only heard about this woman from a drifter, who is probably the one responsible.

Hungarian women themselves are far more appealing than T’Pring from Jersey (I’m even including the Countess), though tour guide Rick Steves makes a point of warning visitors about the “konzumlany” — gorgeous “cosmopolitan” girls who drag you to an expensive club where you buy them a small fortune in drinks and they go home with the bartender. Men who spent any part of their 20s in Manhattan will recognize this as “Saturday night,” and we wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Breakfast in Budapest consists of beer and cigarettes. Lunch is goulash, which is a tasty stew of meat and potatoes, seasoned with paprika. The broth is thinner and more like soup than in other countries, particularly Prague, where you could eat it with a knife and fork.

I only had a couple days to spend in Budapest, but I had to try the thermal baths. The city has 123 natural springs and two dozen thermal baths (“furdo”). There are gender-segregated nude baths; however, two weeks in Germany, Austria, and the Czech Republic with their schnitzels and strudels had taken its toll and I was in no condition to be seen without my swimsuit.

The pools have a range of temperatures: 30 degrees Celsius (bath water), 36 degrees (hot tub), and 42 degrees (lava). I am a lava man and spent a very pleasant Sunday afternoon relishing what some religious people spend their Sunday mornings hoping to avoid.

I did see a Canadian woman mess around and dive into the lava section — not even the toe-in-the-water test but a full-on cannonball. Her screams were heard in Toronto. No worries: I added some paprika to the stew and enjoyed some Canadian goulash.

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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Linguistics…

22 Sep

One thing that’s very different about being abroad compared to being in the U.S. is that everyone speaks English. This fluency is not restricted to heads of state or academics but to average people on the street — cabbies, bartenders, even the crazy lady on the subway in Berlin was bilingual. She came up to me and said, “Entschuldigen sie mich, haben sie irgendwelche Änderungen… wait, you’re from states? Forgive me, could you possibly spare some change? I am not at all well.”

People are generally fine with speaking English to you, as it avoids having to hear you mangle their language like a college football player speaking to the press. I try to at least learn the words for “hello,” “thank you,” and “please,” along with any phrases I might frequently use such as “more wine?” and “sure, I’ll have another glass.” The effort is usually appreciated. I did have a cab driver in Prague who claimed to not understand how my friend Brendan, who has lived there for a year, pronounced the name of his own street, but after the meter had run for another minute, it suddenly registered.

Often, when you take an English-speaking tour in another country, the guides are British or U.S. ex-pats. In Lisbon, the guides were Portugese and the two I had spoke impeccable English. They had the idioms and jokes down and everything. I started to question my own English: “Was that the right word? I know it doesn’t sound as good without an accent.” One of the guides mentioned to me that English is taught in primary school and they get 12 years of it. They also watch subtitled U.S. programs to reinforce it. Unfortunately, seeing “Run, Lola, Run” aided neither my fitness nor my German proficiency.

If I didn’t feel stupid enough, at one point I complimented the guide on her knowledge of local history. She thanked me but politely brushed it off as just being a result of growing up in the area. Can you imagine the sorry-ass walking tour some kid from Jersey would give based just on living there? “Yeah, down the street, that’s where someone saw Snooki, and Springsteen played at that bar once… I guess. He’s from here, right? Or is that Dylan? Whichever old guy writes songs about poor people.”

You start to get a complex after a while if you only speak English. That means you’re just one language away from not speaking one at all. It seems reasonable that you should have a “safety language,” which I guess for everyone else is English. I’ve seen Spanish tourists communicate with a German tourist using English and, amazingly, a waitress in Budapest speak Hungarian to one table, German to another, and English to mine. This is a waitress who, based on her age, grew up under communism.

In the states, there’s a lot of English-only pushes from politicians who apparently want the U.S. to be among the least-skilled nations. That’s really the opposite of what we should be doing. I try to imagine what my life would have been like if I had learned another language in my youth. When I was a sophomore in high school, I remember this cool senior sitting in study hall singing Soul II Soul. If I had been able to say, “However do you want me? However do you need me” in Portugese (roughly, “no entanto você quer que eu, no entanto você precisa de mim”), everything might have been different.

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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Vienna…

21 Sep
Vienna…

When I arrived in Vienna, I had pretty much maxed out my limit on schnitzel. I have the unfortunate habit of going native when I travel and consuming the local cuisine exclusively. While in Germany and the Czech Republic, this meant lots of beer and meat. Vienna was more of the same but followed by coffee and cake in one of the many cafes.

I am a fan of cafe culture, as it reminds me of my youth when you had time to spend in coffee houses. When you’re in college, there are about 48 hours in each day — enough time for class, studying, talking to friends on the phone and then hanging out with them over meals or mugs of coffee or beer. Then you graduate, get a job and you’re down to 30 hours a day. Then you marry and you have about 15 hours, half of which are spent at weddings. You have kids and you get 10 minutes, provided you wake up at 5 am. If you sleep in until 6, it’s 5 minutes and if you let it go to 6:30, you’ve missed a day.

The Viennese manage to keep life at a 48-hour day, which is both impressive and necessary when you live in a city with so many grand buildings. I stayed at the The Imperial Riding School Renaissance Vienna Hotel, perhaps the third-most pretentious hotel name in Europe. It’s ideal for business travelers who wish to arrange the murder of an associate. The front desk is very accommodating: “So, you’ll want your partner dismembered and disposed of by Friday? We are happy to assist.” The club room is stocked with free champagne and heavy appetizers that make dining out unnecessary, which is convenient as the room rates made dining out impossible. One night was about the price of four in Berlin, but as they say, Berlin is “poor but sexy” and Vienna is “rich but beer goggly.” When I saw the bill, I had to clarify with the front desk that it was in Euros rather than some meaninglessly inflated currency like Kroners or U.S. dollars.

The bathroom at my hotel had a bidet. I named mine Joan Crawford. Without a bidet, your bathroom experience is equivalent to a 19th century outhouse with a half moon on the door. If you have a child, you would gladly sacrifice him or her for the bidet. If you had two children, you would want two bidets in case something happened to the primary one. Also, having the other kid around would just remind you that you’re some kind of monster who traded your child for a bidet.

The reason U.S. residents are so uptight is directly related to the lack of bidets. Watch how the GOP presidential candidates walked on stage during the debates. These are men and arguably one woman without access to a bidet. The Democrats would still have the House if instead of universal health coverage they had pursued universal bidets.

I took a tour of Vienna with a charming guide who looked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Considering none of the women on the tour were groped and/or impregnated, the resemblance was just superficial. He was very pro-Vienna, which is run by the Social Democratic Party. This means the Viennese struggle under the tyranny of the government caring whether they live or die, which is in contrast to the U.S. system where you are free to die wherever you wish as long as it’s not on a rich person’s lawn or on an alternate side parking day.

I’m usually not big on nationalism of any sort, but when this guy said good things about his country, he backed it up with facts. In the U.S., you’re just told it’s the greatest country in the world — period — and if you don’t like it, you can take your commie ass and leave. And that’s in a public school history class. Our guide pointed out that Vienna is tied with Vancouver, Canada for quality of life and the Economist Intelligence Unit rated it the second-best city in which to live. I also personally rank it the best city in which to get a haircut — far out-performing the sloppy, clipper-driven butchery I received as a kid in Greenville, S.C.

Definitely rich but decidedly not beer goggly was our well-dressed and well-coiffed guide at the Vienna State Opera House. We seemed to inspire pity in her, sort of like she was volunteering at a hospice but with less hope: “These are the orchestra seats, which would sell for about 250 Euros each or the cost of one sleeve of my splendidly tailored shirt. Over there are the box seats, which I am sorry to say are far beyond what you could ever afford to pay given your own personal poverty, which, I am sorry to say, is considerable and bleak. We do offer the underprivileged, by which, I am sorry to say, I mean you, day-of standing room tickets for 2 Euro, which I would use to wipe my ass if it were paper like your U.S. currency, which I do in fact use to wipe my ass, as it is less expensive than toilet paper and is a good pairing with the bidet.”

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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Munich…

13 Sep

I enjoyed Munich slightly more than Berlin, as did Hitler, which aside from my eight years of vegetarianism in the ’90s and fondness for Argentina, is about all we have in common.

At the Nuremberg train station, on my way to Munich, I stopped at a bagel shop for breakfast. You would think that Germany had done irrevocable harm to its bagel industry, but it actually wasn’t that bad. I asked the middle-aged blonde woman for an egg and cheese bagel and she responded, “No! Egg or cheese. Not both!”

Now, in New York, this would be a fight, but when a blonde German yells at you in English, you don’t talk back. You just take your “Sophie’s Choice” bagel and like it. I’ve probably watched too many World War II movies, but Germans speaking German aren’t that scary; it’s the shouted German-accented English that gives me brown trousers.

Most Germans I encounter are bilingual and speak flawless English, which puts them at an advantage over most Americans who are barely lingual. Out of respect, I try to use as much German as I can, interspersed with halting English phrases to elicit pity. “Hallo, schnitzel… Please? Life is bowl of chocolates? Danke schoen.”

When I arrived in Munich, I went into a Starbucks and ordered from another middle-aged blonde woman a latte with skim milk. Her response: “No skim milk! Just cream!” Again, I paid for my Neville Chamberlain latte and liked it. Don’t mess with the German barista. She is not joking.

By the way, all these middle-aged blonde women look like Emma Thompson with a German accent. So, you have Emma Thompson pouring you coffee, Emma Thompson driving your cab, Emma Thompson giving you directions to the closest biergarten.

Dogs are very popular in Germany. Their standard of living is probably on par with the dogs in Belize, who wear Hawaiian shirts and walk up to bars begging for ceviche. Dogs are allowed off leash here, and strangers will stop to pet them. This would freak the hell out of Americans but Munich is sort of like a big petting zoo. Owners also let their dogs off leash to play with other random dogs. “Hey, there you, Klaas, go sniff some butts.” In New York, there’s a complex application and approval process before your pet can play with another dog.

Traditional German food involves sausage and sausage stuffed with sausage. This is washed down with a liter of beer and an inhalation of second-hand smoke from your waitress. The life expectancy should be about 27, but Germany actually ranks 20th out of all countries. Israel is 8th because living well really is the best revenge.

 
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Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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Berlin vs. South Carolina…

04 Sep

Spending time in Berlin is interesting after growing up in South Carolina. Aside from the fact that “Berlin” is a better band name than “Pelzer,” there’s also the manner in which the two places treat certain indiscretions in their past. Berlin must have something in its tap water that promotes remorse and regret — an element regularly filtered out of the United States’s supply. Berlin is very “OK, here’s what went down. There are historical and educational reasons for knowing. We don’t dwell on it but man did we screw up. Have some Schwarzwurst.”

When I was a kid, there was really none of that in South Carolina. It was more, “Your ass is free but we’re not that happy about it. Have some processed cheese.” If Berlin and Germany as a whole is “Never Again,” South Carolina was “Oh, yeah, we’d do it again.”

Arriving in Berlin, I expected to see “Hitler Boulevard” and “Joseph Goebbel Jr. High School.” After all, there was a Wade Hampton High School near where I grew up, and there are at least 8 streets named “Wade Hampton” in South Carolina. This guy was a Confederate calvary officer who spent his life managing plantations in South Carolina and Mississippi. When his father died in 1858, he inherited one of the “largest collections of slaves in the South” — about 3,000 — and a library that boasted 10,000 volumes, which would have made it possible for each slave to check out 3 books at the same time if they had library cards or been allowed to read.

I suppose Germany does not name things after Nazis because, most importantly, they believe you should not memorialize bad people but also because the Nazis lost. Where else in society, other than the American South, do we name things after losers? There’s no Walter Mondale Airport or Fort Michael Dukakis or (eventually) Barack Obama Square. But even the black hair salons are named after Confederates in South Carolina: My mother got her hair done at The Jefferson Davis Beauty Parlor and Weave Shop.

While I was on a bus tour of the city, the tour guide mentioned that the Berlin Zoo once had Africans as exhibits but “that would never take place today. Thanks God!” You would never hear that in South Carolina. I have taken plantation tours when the guide was at the point of tears discussing the lost cause. “Yeah, well, you know, after the War of Northern Agression, the owners could no longer afford the upkeep of the plantation so they had to sell their home. Sniff. Sniff.” My heart breaks for them. Besides, they probably just moved to a condo in Charleston, near the water. It was better than sharecropping while waiting for your 40 acres and a mule like a sucker. That was worse than waiting for those X-ray glasses you ordered from the back of a comic book. You should have been suspicious — why is no one else using this technology? — but you knew everything was going to change once you received them.

I was on one tour where the guide was in antebellum costume, flouncing around in a ball gown and thinking she was cute. She asked my friend, “Wouldn’t you have loved to have lived when you could dress like this all the time?” My friend replied, “No, because I would have been a slave.”

But the U.S. has this fascination with the trappings of a society built on slave labor and human misery. There is no German version of “Gone with the Wind” (“Vom Winde Verweht”). Berlin also has monuments to the victims of the holocausts. Monuments to slaves in South Carolina are alongside the Confederate flag and statues of Confederate generals. This is like your wife’s ex-boyfriend coming along on the honeymoon: “Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here and silently resent you.”

Berlin is an overall progressive city 70 years after World War II. I would not wanted to have been anywhere near the South in 1935 — 70 years after the end of the Civil War. You had Jim Crow and lynchings; the only real improvement was the launch of zoot suits in the late ’30s. And you had at least 30 years to go until “I Spy.”

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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The Wrong Questions…

31 Aug

Excerpt from a play I’m writing, which is about a woman who has abruptly left her husband of 8 years with no explanation other than she no longer wants to be married. In this scene, SARA is having dinner with her and her husband’s college friends CHARLIE AND GINA MERRICK. Thanks to Jenny Rouse for the working title.

GINA

You know what they say: “When a friend experiences a tragedy, even a self-inflicted one, her friends rally around her. That’s the power of sisterhood.”

SARA

Who said that?

GINA

Ladies’ Home Journal.  The latest issue’s on the coffee table if you’d like to read it.

CHARLIE

Sorry, honey, I think the girls used that for their collage project.

GINA

Strange. They were supposed to use the stack I set aside with the old Esquires and Sports Illustrateds. Am I wrong to view that as a hostile act? I don’t think so. The girls have been very rebellious lately. I hope drugs aren’t next.

CHARLIE

So, is everyone ready for dessert?

SARA

No, I’m fine.

GINA

Just nibble at the edges, like I do. No one eats a whole dessert.

SARA

That would be wasteful.

GINA

Charlie’s second-grade teacher – Mrs. Martin, wasn’t it? – used to not let him leave the cafeteria until he finished every bite of his lunch. Hard to believe there was ever a time when he didn’t clean his plate. But his big appetite is what makes him so big and strong!

CHARLIE

My penance will be an extra half hour on the treadmill tonight.

GINA

He doesn’t nibble around the edges.

SARA

I don’t think my refusing dessert is similar to what Charlie’s teacher did. She reinforced gluttony in children who were already prone to gluttony as a result of their American heritage.

CHARLIE

She was also huge – not even just by second-grade standards. I think she died a few years later. Sara, you’re going to kill yourself if you don’t try this dessert. It’s absolutely dynamite.

SARA

I don’t think my reaction will be that severe. What is it?

CHARLIE

“Cin-fully Apple Decadence.”

SARA

An apple pie?

CHARLIE

No, it’s from Bonnie’s Bakery across town. A little out of the way but totally worth it. Handpicked Braeburn apples baked in cinnamon with a homemade lattice-top crust.

SARA

So, to be clear: An apple pie?

GINA

No, dear, “an apple pie comes from your grocer’s freezer; only Bonnie Smith can make Cin-fully Apple Decadence.”

CHARLIE

Gina’s company came up with that slogan.

GINA

We like to help small businesses where we can. We charge them a premium for all the hand-holding but when you consider how some people don’t get involved in charities at all, what we do is actually quite heroic.

CHARLIE

(to SARA)

Sure you won’t join us?

SARA

Yes, I’m fine.

GINA

Awkward! See, you nibble around the edges so you don’t make your hosts look like Porky and Babe. Teasing. You’re family. You can watch us eat. It’s not weird at all.

CHARLIE

And I know you don’t drink, Sara, so I won’t offer you this wonderful dessert wine Gina and I got in San Francisco last month.

GINA

Remember Amy from down the hall? She finally got married. She’s Jewish, which is perfectly fine, of course. We’re all Democrats here. I only mention it because the wedding was on a Sunday, which actually turned out well for us because we left late-ish Friday and flew back on Tuesday. Also, childless wedding! Ca-ching! So, we aren’t the bad guys for not bringing the girls.

CHARLIE

But they get better at traveling every day. I think it’s only a matter of time before the Merricks hit Disney World.

GINA

Yay.(to SARA) Europe is the dear friend you club to death with a blunt object once you have kids. But you make other friends.

SARA

Your children might appreciate Europe. There are significant educational opportunities for them there.

CHARLIE

But Disney World’s the happiest place on earth!

SARA

That is their advertising slogan, yes.

GINA

(to CHARLIE)

Honey, do you want to clean up and I’ll take our lovely friend and this even lovelier Elysium over to the
sofa for some girl time.

CHARLIE

Sure thing.

(CHARLIE begins to pick up dishes and take them off-stage to the kitchen, as GINA leads SARA to
the living room sofa.)

GINA

Was dinner all right? Charlie doesn’t like butternut squash as an entrée. He thinks it’s more of a side dish. But I couldn’t resist the recipe.

SARA

It was fine. Very filling.

GINA

Oh, good. And I can certainly empathize with you shying away from dessert, dear, what with you starting all over again… at your age.

SARA

I don’t think you can empathize.

GINA

Because my life’s perfect, right? Guilty as charged. But I’m very empathetic. Just the other day, I covered for a colleague — at great personal cost to me — so she could go to a funeral.

SARA

No, to be clear, I meant the plural “you.” I don’t think empathy is possible, as it implies a degree of personal identification and understanding that would border on mind reading.

GINA

And who says mind reading’s impossible? (speaks in direction of kitchen) Darling, even just another half a slice of that pie will mean 20 more minutes on the treadmill. (to SARA) See? By the way, you probably hurt Charlie’s feelings a bit by not eating the pie. You sort of called him fat.

SARA

That’s not what I said at all.

GINA

He ate the big heaping piece —  I mean, why even slice it? He could have just eaten it from the tin. You just sat there. Fortunately, I joined him, made a joke, so he wouldn’t feel alone, shared in his shame. Me being empathetic again. See, he’s torn up because he’s gained so much weight in the past few years.

SARA

I hadn’t noticed.

GINA

He tries to hide it with those blousy shirts, but he’s not fooling me. Sad really. Just between you and me, I think he might suffer from body dysmorphia. I read an article about it in Marie Claire. It takes a very strong woman to deal with it, especially when he won’t even admit he has a problem. He just projects — like what he said about
his second-grade teacher. She was probably as rail-thin as you are. (pause as GINA looks SARA up and down). I bet women see you and are so envious of your figure. Then they learn you’ve never had kids. It does make it much easier. I’ve had two, so sure, from a distance, I might appear a smidgeon heavier than you.

SARA

OK.

GINA

You don’t notice Jabba in the kitchen but you… forget it. Rise above, I say. Before the kids, the only exercise I really had to do was dodging Charlie’s constant advances. (laughs). No, honestly, he was quite aggressive. Less so now that he hates how he looks. But that’s normal. You and Matt were together longer than Charlie and me. Can you believe it? Sure, we got married earlier because my family wouldn’t condone our living together otherwise, but those are our values. You and Matt were different. That’s fine, too. Don’t think for a moment that those choices are why you’re here today. Look, every couple goes through it: You’re together a certain amount of time, youth feels lost, eyes begin to wander, mistakes are made, and worse yet, they’re discovered and a reaction occurs that perhaps doesn’t look at the big picture. Understandable. Certainly easy when it’s just the two of you. I guess what I’m saying is, Matt screwed up, forgive him, and move on with your lives.

SARA

Matt never cheated on me.

GINA

Said with such confidence! So, you’ve met someone else. You think you’re in love.

SARA

I haven’t—

GINA

(interrupting)

You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to tell me. How long have we known each other?

SARA

Twelve years and seven months.

GINA

And all that time, I’ve never kept secrets from you. And why not? Because we’re family. Family doesn’t hold back. That’s why I’ve revealed to you so many personal things about myself tonight. Charlie might be inclined to take sides. Matt’s his best friend and you’ve shattered him. And you were always really more his friend through Matt. But you two were already “Sara and Matt” when I came along. I’m able to be objective. Now, I’m not hurt that you won’t confide in me, but “wounded” might sum it up better.

SARA

We don’t know each other that well.

GINA

What an accusation! But you’re going through so much. You’re bound to lash out at those closest to you.

SARA

It’s not an accusation. It’s reality. We’ve never spent time together without Charlie and Matt.

GINA

And that’s what I’d like to change. Call it the silver lining in all this. You could use a friend, especially now, and I’m nothing if not a friend. I’m always in the bridal party, often the matron of honor. Not for Amy, though. Fine. Had to be a member of the tribe. I understand. Sadly, Monica was not prepared to plan a bachelorette party for anyone over 25. But did I step in and salvage things? Of course. That’s who I am. And you didn’t have any bridesmaids. Your choice. Totally OK. The reception was at our house, which if they had laws about this sort of thing would technically make me your matron of honor, as well. But, really, I don’t do it for the glory or recognition. So, where are you staying? Your parents don’t live in town, so a hotel?

SARA

Motel.

GINA

Excuse me?

SARA

Hotels have lobbies. A motel room door usually opens to a parking lot.

GINA

Ewww.

SARA

It’s fine. It doesn’t cost much and has everything I need.

GINA

I don’t even like to think about places like that, let alone imagine one of my best friends actually living there! Aren’t you afraid some hobo will assault you by the creepy ice machine?

SARA

I’m too old and female for Bob next door. And Ray down the hall made it clear that we’re OK as long as I don’t try to sell drugs out of my room. He’s very particular about his territory.

(CHARLIE enters from the kitchen)

CHARLIE

Dishwasher is filled and running. (to GINA) And I hand-washed the wine glasses and put them away.

GINA

Thank you, sweetie. (to SARA). Isn’t he wonderful? I am literally or figuratively — one of the two at least — the luckiest wife in the world. (to Charlie) Did you remember to put them on the white wine shelf and not mixed in with the red wine glasses? (to SARA) I’m a wine glass segregationist! Lock me away!

CHARLIE

There’s a white wine shelf?

GINA

Darling, I walked you through it the other night. No biggie. I love that you try to pitch in, and I only really bring this up for your sake, as I know how happy it makes you to help and I just want to make you happier by letting you help me better!

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Hurricane Updates…

28 Aug

Penny: Welcome back to our non-stop, repetitive coverage of Hurricane Irene, the Category 1 storm that has killed more than a dozen people, cost billions in damage, and limited the pizza delivery options of New Yorkers.

Dan: Right, Penny, this is a dangerous storm, which is why we’re here rather than the normal loser weekend anchors.

Penny: Of course, Dan, my presence here has nothing to do with JFK cancelling my flight to Bermuda. Now, instead of actual reporting, we’re going to read you some updates from random people on Twitter and Facebook.

Dan: Susie from Staten Island reports that the little mermaid Ariel has beached herself on Far Rockaway. She probably missed an exit while coming up the Atlantic, which is why we warn you to stay inside where it’s safe.

Penny: Definitely, there’s no sense putting your life at risk. Now, let’s go to our high school intern Chip reporting from a life raft tied to a minke whale on its way to the Cape.

Chip: Oh, my God, I’m so scared. I don’t think this whale is a strong swimmer. It’s sort of dog paddling.

Penny: That’s great, Chip. So, what are you seeing out there?

Chip: It’s pretty much just like the footage you’re showing except I’m out here and in great peril. I am still getting college credit at Columbia, right?

Penny: Exactly, credit at a college in Colombia. Now, let’s go to Dan with more updates from Facebook.

Dan: Thanks, Penny, Marty from Montauk says that trees are down on Route 28 but that Bigfoot is helping clear them away and directing traffic from the more treacherous areas.

Penny: What a swell guy. So, again we want to stress that it’s dangerous out there, please stay home and ride this out. That’s the sane and responsible thing to do. Now, let’s go to Lois reporting live from the Statue of Liberty.

Lois: Hello, Penny, as you can see I’m out on the torch here. It’s closed to the public but I broke in to demonstrate how stupid it would be if you were to come out here during this storm. In fact, I’m going to stand on the ledge in my six-inch heels and wave my arms to reinforce my point.

Penny: Good luck with that, Lois. Dan, any more Facebook updates?

Dan: Yes, Irrationally Worried Grandmother in Ohio is convinced that the hurricane has killed her grandson who lives in Sacramento.

Penny: Well, if he doesn’t call her within the hour, I think that’s the only possible conclusion. Has Irene spread to the West Coast? We’ll have more on that later in the hour but first let’s see if Lois is dead yet.

Lois: I’m still very much alive, Penny.

Penny: Oh, shucks. Well, maybe Chip.

Dan: Yeah, he’s a goner. That whale can’t swim worth a damn. Lois, I see you’re still standing on the torch.

Lois: Yes, Dan, and for my next trick, I’m going to do the Charleston while holding my head back with my mouth open while trying not to drown.

Penny: Amazing, look at her go! And to think she has no training in dance.

Lois: No, actually, I’ve taken dance classes. I just never went to journalism school.

Dan: Well, that makes sense.

 
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Posted by on August 28, 2011 in Pop Life

 

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Vacation, all I never wanted…

19 Aug

There’s been a great deal of discussion about President Obama’s vacation this week to Martha’s Vineyard, specifically whether Michelle would drive on the way there or back and if the Bidens would take the fold-out sofa or the room with the bunkbeds.

Opponents of the president, who also thought he should not have celebrated his birthday, believe it is inappropriate for him to take 10 days off while the U.S. economy is in peril. It’s possible he might completely forget about the financial crisis while away and have to rely on the tattoos on his chest (“U.S. BROKE” and “BUY GOLD”) and polaroids of himself with Ben Bernanke to get back up to speed.

Mitt Romney claims that if he were the president, he would recall Congress, which is on recess, to Washington to resolve the economic crisis (“Resolving the Economic Crisis in 10 Days” is also the name of a TLC reality series Romney is pitching).

“The first thing I’d do is go back to my office immediately,” Romney said in response to a question about what he would do if he were in the White House. “If  I were president today, I wouldn’t be looking to go spend 10 days on Martha’s Vineyard.”

Remembering that he was at one point the governor of Massachusetts, where Martha’s Vineyard is located, Romney quickly added:

“Now, Martha’s Vineyard is in my home state of Massachusetts so I don’t want to say anything negative about people vacationing there… But if you’re the president of the United States, and the nation is in crisis, and we’re in a jobs crisis right now, then you shouldn’t be out vacationing. Instead, you should be focusing on getting the economy going again. And yeah, go back to the office yourself, pull back members of Congress, and focus on getting the job done. This action of somehow this is campaign time and vacation time is exactly the wrong dose of medicine for the American economy.”

Oh yeah, the GOP would also prefer that Obama not do anything remotely related to campaigning for re-election (part of its “Obama rolls over and plays dead” strategy).

The criticism did not alter Obama’s plans but he did offer to substitute a blow-up doll in his image that the GOP leadership could ignore, walk out on, and demonize on FOX News until he returned.

Sarah Palin, demonstrating her usual level of self-awareness, questioned Obama’s work ethic.

“You know, economies are crashing — markets are crashing — there’s a lot of turmoil right now. And he just seems so extremely absent from the reality that  the rest of us are facing in this country today,” she said. “And that’s illustrated by his desire and now his action to go on vacation again, this time for 10 days  . . . where the rest of us are kind of shaking our heads saying: Really? At this time? Perception being reality in politics, why in the world would he do this?”

What makes Palin uniquely qualified to criticize Obama is that she is arguably a victim of his economic policies. Obviously, his election cost her a potential promotion to vice president. She was then forced to quit the job she had for reasons that are still unclear even after repeated viewings of her resignation speech. Since then, she’s been as gainfully employed as a Kardashian with reality show appearances and her current role as Shirley Partridge, traveling the country on a PAC-funded bus tour where instead of performing songs, she just sort of shows up.

Palin might also have issues with metaphor comprehension: “I don’t know why our president bothers even making promises at this point or spewing those platitudes. One in particular: He said he promised to not rest
until every American who wanted a job got that job.” Her literal reading of the president’s statement might qualify her for the Amelia Bedelia of Alaska Award. She also suggested he invest in adult diapers rather than wasting the nation’s time on frivolous bathroom breaks.

Supporters of the president point out that most Americans with means take summer vacations. In New York, for example, it’s not unusual for executives to work from their Hamptons houses on Fridays because they desire a more pleasant view that the homeless guy outside their window urinating on Broadway. No one demands that businessmen not vacation until the economy recovers. Moreover, vacations are a critical part of the economy for many towns where summer tourism is their chief industry. They are like farmers whose sole crop are overpriced Bud Lights they claim are “local” drafts and crappy souvenir t-shirts.

Ronald Reagan — shortly before calling forth Lazarus — took 25 days vacation when unemployment was at 9.5%. George W. Bush was on vacation “42% of the time” during his first seven months in office. Bill Clinton took just 28 days off during his eight years as president, which reinforces why most people are distrustful of workaholics who can never find time away from the office. They are usually involved in some sort of complex embezzlement scheme or are having an affair with a colleague.

The presidential vacation as political PR stunt hit its nadir with Clinton, who —  taking the advice of Dick Morris, his Faust with a foot fetish — dragged his family to Jackson Hole, Wyoming in 1996 based on a poll Morris conducted. It’s still uncertain if the public didn’t play a prank on the Clintons. Anyway, the idea was that it would appear less elitist than previous trips to the Vineyard. I think my vote at the time had been for the Clintons to climb into a station wagon and drive cross-country to Wally World.

It’s all rather silly and reflects the less-benign bull-fighting match that modern politics have become. Ardent foes of Obama do not stop to question the logic of thinking he’s doing a terrible job while resenting his spending a few days not doing a terrible job. Not that anyone should expect Palin to question her own logic:

“… (Obama’s) ideology is one of big, centralized government that can plan an economy and make decisions for our businesses and for us as individuals,” Palin said. “So I think that he is not the one to provide that inspiration and that empowerment that is so desperately needed today to get us out of this really chaotic situation that we’re in.”

It’s like the line from “Annie Hall”: “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible” “Yeah, I know, and such small portions.”

 
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Posted by on August 19, 2011 in Political Theatre

 

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Recurring Feature (at least until I tire of it): “Terrible Things”…

18 Aug

If I had my way, all TV commercials would consist of white text over a black screen that details the objective value of the product advertised… perhaps with a Morgan Freeman or Gene Hackman voiceover. I want to be informed not entertained.

Neither informative nor entertaining is the current HP ad featuring actress Lea Michele:

The promoted product is the HP TouchPad — the Gobot to the Apple iPad’s Transformer (really, “Leader-1” and “Cop-Tur”? That’s the best you can do against “Optimus Prime” and “Megatron”?). CNET provides a more relevant review.

My issue is less with the TouchPad but with the use of one of my favorite songs,Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim’s “Let Me Entertain You” from “Gypsy.” Rather than commissioning a unique jingle (e.g. “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony” —  commercialism disguised as a message of hope but at least creative), it repurposes an existing song whose lyrics superficially match the advertised message (another example is Honey Bunches of Oats’ use of The Andrea True Connection’s “More, More, More”).

“Let Me Entertain You” is simultaneously sexy and innocent — as it’s performed in the show as both a children’s vaudeville act and later a burlesque number. The lyrics “I’m very versatile” and “I want your spirit to climb” manage to suit both purposes (Sondheim’s genius at work). It’s also a key song for Louise Hovick, who over the course of three minutes steps out of her sister June’s shadow and emerges as Gypsy Rose Lee.

Michele’s performance conveys none of this. It’s just a flat knock-off for… well, I guess, a flat knock-off.

Sandra Church’s version from 1959 can’t be touched but I leave you with my second-favorite performance of the song from 1987:

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2011 in Pop Life

 
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