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The Bakeology Movement

Shelley was in the middle of a series of swing kicks at the far end of the living room. Pauline approached her slowly with her arms defensively covering her face.

“So, Matt says you’re on the Neanderthal diet’?”

Shelly shook her head. “It’s not a diet. It’s a live-it. We set goals and then demolish them!” She struck her palm with her fist.

“Oh.” Pauline lowered her arms. “That’s a little extreme, but it could be what I’m looking for.”

“You’re ready to shake things up, aren’t you?”

Pauline nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

“The big thing I’m sharing with my clients now is the Bakeology movement,” Shelley said. “The lady who came up with it is literally the Mother Teresa of nutrition. She even has her own jet.”

“How does it work?”

“There’s a whole menu of options: You eat a Bakeology muffin for breakfast, Bakeology pizza for lunch, Bakeology not-meatloaf for dinner. They’re packed with all the super-duper foods. You can eat as much as you want, but you’ll barely get through the recommended serving.”

“It’s that filling?”

“No, it just doesn’t taste good.” She retrieved a wrapped object from her backpack. “Here, try this slider. It’s a quinoa/kale-blended patty with chipotle vegan mayo on a gluten-free bun. I keep a bunch in my bag. They last for days.”

Gamely, Pauline took a bite, suddenly stopping mid-chew as if she’d chipped a tooth.

“Oh God, this is awful!”

“See?” Shelly smiled as Pauline wiped her tongue with a cocktail napkin. “But it’s totally clean, which is the important thing. We call it ‘working out while eating.’ You notice how it’s an effort just to keep it down? ‘No pain, no gain’ shouldn’t just apply to the gym. Basically, if we enjoy our food, it distracts us from our journey. It’s like texting while driving. Except if you wreck your car, you can just replace it with a better one. This is the only body you’ll ever have.” She patted her stomach, which felt softer than she’d like. She frowned. “Anyway, it’s totally Big Food that convinced us what we eat has to taste good. You think neanderthal men sat around savoring flavors and textures? No way! They just consumed the necessary fuel to outrun dinosaurs!”

Gina, standing next to Margaret by the fireplace, whispered into her wine glass. “I would appreciate it if that girl wouldn’t push her BS ‘business’ on my friends. It’s like she’s throwing a Tupperware party in my own home.”

“It’s OK,” Margaret said. “Believe me, Pauline wants this. ”

“The only thing she needs to change about her eating habits is her pacing. My highlights fade waiting for her to finish a sandwich.”

“Haven’t you noticed Pauline’s been in a bad place?”

“Sure, but it has nothing to do with her dress size.”

“Walter’s apparently been really difficult lately. ”

“You act like you’re spoiling a movie I already saw back in college. He’s always been obnoxious, but to be fair, she’s a little on the dull side. That’s their thing. If we can manage both of them at once, they can handle each other.”

“Well, I think this will help her.”

“No one ever got less dull on a diet,” Gina said.

“What I meant is Pauline and Walter have become disconnected and it’s because she doesn’t feel good about herself so she can’t feel good about them.”

“Even if… whatever you said is true, how can that person Matt brought here possibly help?”

“It’s a start. Pauline just wants to feel comfortable enough to start Crossfit.” Margaret poured more wine into her glass. “I don’t know. It just seems like she is dealing with her problems more constructively than Sara did.”

Gina raised a blonde eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“She just walked out of her own home. She didn’t try to resolve her marital issues constructively. And look at her now. It’s frankly maladaptive. “

“Oh,” Gina said, turning to leave the room, “I’d forgotten you’d minored in psychology.”

— from THE WRONG QUESTIONS

 
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Posted by on August 12, 2017 in The Wrong Questions

 

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Lunch at Din Thai Fung…

Their orders were brought to the table — juicy pork dumplings, spicy shrimp and pork wonton, chicken rice cakes, and an order of vegetable dumplings Sara had mostly to herself. Cindy cheerfully tried half of one so Sara wouldn’t feel left out of the family style lunch.

“Ken’s into trivia,” Cindy said to Jane, “so maybe we could do that sometime with you and Chris.”

“Yeah, totally.” Jane mixed vinegar, soy sauce, and wasabi as if conducting a delicate chemistry experiment. “But we don’t wanna become boring couples, ya know? I just love hangin’ with my gals.” She spooned the mixture onto a juicy pork dumpling and asked Sara, “Have you read ‘Bold’?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Well, it’s an awesome book, and everyone is reading it. ”

“What’s it about?”

“It’s a memoir, so it’s not like fiction or anything that can be aggressive with plot and themes. This reads real natural, like you’re just texting with the author. It starts out with her losing everything — she got canned at this business journal she edited. It’s tough for a few weeks, but she manages to get a consulting gig, and since she’s not tied down or anything with kids, she decides to work remotely from Italy for a year. That’s where the title comes from. It’s about her journey of self discovery.”

“What does she discover?” Sara asked with polite skepticism.

“First, that she really likes Italy. You’ve been, right?”

Sara said she had. Cindy confessed she hadn’t: “I’ve always wanted to. My brothers and sister all spent a semester in Florence.”

Jane took the last spicy shrimp wonton. “OK, so you’ve at least heard enough to get the gist. The whole Tuscan country side life. She stayed in a friend’s place there. But she was otherwise all on her own. Then she met this Italian guy in a farmer’s market and they wound up getting married and running a vineyard together. I’ve had their wine. It’s not Napa but it’s pretty good.” She glanced at her phone, which sat beside her on the table like a fourth guest. “Oh, sorry, chickadees, I have to bounce. You know my friend Jess? She’s director of sales and channels at Amazon. She invited me to her two year old’s birthday party — or is the kid two all ready and is turning three?” She shrugged as she stood. “Doesn’t matter. My gift still works. Anyway, I have to go. They see me as family, really. I got her into Greenlake. It took some doing. And she’s super grateful. She’s also the first of her friends to buy a real home. So you want to maintain the connections. But it’s a bear. There’s never any women to talk to at these things — just mothers.”

— from “The Wrong Questions”

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2017 in The Wrong Questions

 

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Thanksgivingmas 2…

The second half of a chapter from a book I’m writing. The first is here.

Sara slapped her plate onto Matt’s pants, and, picking up her chair, relocated to an empty patch by the sofa. Parris Island, South Carolina, where Pam trained when she joined the Marine Corps, was just an hour from Savannah, Georgia, where Sara had spent the past five Christmases. However, the two women’s experiences in Savannah were distinct enough that it felt as if they were discussing two different cities, separated by an ocean of class and privilege.

More guests blew through the living room and kitchen, moving in triple time with Sinatra’s “The Christmas Waltz.” The German shepherd, overwhelmed by the day’s events, had abandoned his instinctual concern with everyone’s comings and goings and collapsed in a heap under Kay’s feet.

One late arrival, with thick glasses and a wobbly inner tube around her middle, knew Mr. Williams and Kay from the same local writers group.

“So, Mark, I spiced up the sex scene in my story like you suggested.”

“Great! You want to make it real, Nicole. Don’t weigh it down with fluffy romance.”

“I really liked the piece you read Monday. I loved the scene when you told off both the hippies and the country club crowd.”

“Your dad’s writing about his time at Seattle Pacific,” Kay explained proudly.

“You’re writing a memoir?” asked Matt skeptically.

“Oh, no,” Mr. Williams quickly objected. “This is a novel. Memoirs are for when you’re happy with how everything in your life turned out. Fiction is what you write when you wish you’d done things differently.” He patted Kay’s thigh. “If I get around to writing about the past year, that’ll be a memoir.”

As his father spoke, Matt checked the time on his Cartier watch, confirmed it on his iPhone, and even glanced up at the ceiling as if he’d spot the time scurrying across like a winged insect. Then came a snap of pressed trousers and he was on his feet.

“I’m afraid it’s time for us to head out.”

“Oh?” said Mark Williams. “So soon?”

Although they hadn’t exchanged more than a handful of words, Mr. Williams’s expression implied there was much he wished to tell his son but he’d mistakenly believed there’d be plenty of time to do so.

Sara made no movements toward the front door, because she’d learned during their fifteen years together that whenever Matt said he was ready to leave a party, the actual process of extricating himself took at best an hour and at worst longer than Sara had ever wanted to spend anywhere.

She went into the kitchen for more water. The oven clock claimed it was 10 but guests continued a circuit of the pots and dishes until their plates wheezed from exertion. It occurred to Sara that there was no place at this party where one could be safely alone. Gina Merrick always set aside an area at her house for that purpose, ostensibly for private phone calls, but Sara most often used it as a brief meditative retreat before returning to the fray.

Kay’s voice soon entered the room, embracing everyone present while her actual arms were filled with a stack of plastic plates. They all looked licked clean except for Sara and Matt’s, whose dinner had cooled and congealed into something unrecognizable.

“When I was little, we used to wash these plates and reuse them. But not anymore!” Kay smiled and, as Sara’s foot pressed down on the silver pedal to pop open the lid, Kay dumped the plates into the tin cavern as if realizing her own American dream.

“What do you write?” Sara asked.

“Poems, mostly, nothing too fancy. Honestly, I just like hearing other people’s stories. That’s why I go. Although I think what made Mark first notice me was my poem May 26, 1981.”

“What’s the significance of that date?”

Sara knew this was a risky question. Her experience from the bare minimum of literature courses she’d taken in college was that direct questions only erupted geysers of pointless subtext and supposition.

“It’s when Paul was conceived.”

It pleased Sara that the answer was straightforward and not a reference to green lights.

“OK.”

“Absolutely is. I worked it out, which wasn’t easy because his father and I were pretty frisky back then, but that’s really what the poem’s about. You just know when it’s happened. Anyway, I was comparing it to the rain. How when there’s a big storm, you just get pounded and your skin’s all wet, and there’s this smell in the air. After I finished, Mark just asks, ‘Look, what I wanna know is did you have an orgasm or not?'”

A moment passed, during which Sara considered what she’d heard and concluded, “Mr. Williams seems to have a consistent critical focus.”

Once her laughter settled down, Kay leaned in to whisper, “So, how far along are you?”

“Far along in what?” Sara asked innocently.

“I know I shouldn’t ask,” Kay admitted, “but you weren’t drinking and you sort of picked at your food. I had the same problem early on with Paul. All I could eat were sweets. Cheesecake for breakfast, chocolate creme pie for lunch, hot fudge sundae for dinner, and I was popping those little Easter egg candies like breath mints.”

Sara exchanged a confused look with the Redskins mascot on Kay’s sweatshirt.

“Oh,” she said, realizing. “I’m not…”

“Ready to tell people about it yet, I know, but if you ever want someone to talk to…”

Pam Kaye marched into the kitchen, her controlled stride not that different from Sara’s, despite the latter’s lack of formal training.

“Looks like you’re shipping out.”

Just a half hour had passed since Matt expressed his desire to leave, which was normally nowhere near long enough for it to appear that he was actually going someplace, but looking past Pam’s shoulder, Sara saw her husband standing restlessly in a dark corner of the living room. He’d already put on his coat, and Sara’s hung limply over his folded arms.

“Just wanted to say good-bye. I really enjoyed talking to you.”

“You, as well,” Sara said, and, as if removing a bothersome splinter, she added, “Could I have one of your cards? I think I’d like to take you up on your offer.”

“Awesome!” Pam smacked her fist into the palm of her hand. “You won’t regret it! Paul does great work. Wow, once we get samples of your session on our site, traffic is sure to spike.”

“And the timing is just perfect,” Kay said. “I wish I’d thought to…” She stopped herself mid-sentence and made a shushing gesture with her finger. “Well, anyway… you’re gonna look gorgeous.”

Two voices had raised themselves, as if on stilts, above the rest in the house.

“You’re spending Christmas at a casino?”

“Yeah,” Mr. Williams replied, “Suquamish. And it’s a resort and casino. Full package.”

“I can’t believe you.” Matt turned to Sara, who’d entered the room along with others lured from the kitchen by the appetizing drama. “Do you believe him?”

“Suquamish,” Sara repeated. “That’s where Mindy Gardner got married. You said you liked it.”

“I said it was charming, which is what you say when you’re being polite.” Matt helped Sara into her coat. “This is what you’re doing for Christmas?”

“Yeah! It’ll be fun. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas since I was a kid. ”

“Mom put a lot of effort into Christmas.”

The party’s unseen guest was now mentioned directly, and Mark Williams struck down their forty Christmases together with a chop of his hand.

“It was all too much,” he insisted. “Three trees… What is it? Arbor Day? All these antique ornaments that can’t be broken…”

Kay attempted to inject levity into the flatlining gathering.

“I’m such a butter fingers. I break an ornament each year. Guess which one it’ll be this time and I’ll buy you an egg nog.”

“Then that big Christmas party,” Mr. Williams continued, “…no, not a party, a gala, with all those important people. The whole season was like jury duty but you got called each year.” His bald head shook defiantly. “No! No, this year’s Christmas dinner is just a simple buffet. Having my dessert on the same plate as my main course. It’s like all my options are in front of me and I’m in control of every one.”

Matt recalled a series of aborted childhood Christmas dinners: His father skulking off into the TV room to watch football, and gravy splattering from carelessly held priceless china onto his mother’s favorite Persian rug.

“Would it have killed you to sit still for one meal?”

“Who has time for the Twelve Days of Courses? It’s just food. Eat it, enjoy it, move on. This is why your generation needs a war. But why do you even care? You stopped coming over for Christmas after you met Sara.”

The occasion of Mr. Williams calling Sara by her Christian name, which he hadn’t done since she’d married his son, was not commented on as Matt instead recoiled at the audacity of his father striking him with a fistful of facts.

“I stopped because…” Matt looked through his father, as if he were a ghost, and explained himself to the parent who felt more tangible to him. “I couldn’t stand watching how miserable you made Mom.”

“Me?” Mr. Williams threw back his head and laughed. “Here’s the punchline. Everything could’ve gone perfectly but your mother would’ve still been miserable. Whatever the event, she’d spend it afraid someone’s gonna spill red wine on her white furniture. She owns most of Woodinville and she’s worried about spilling red wine. My life now?” He turned over a few drops of his beer onto the carpet. “See? No big deal. I’ll clean it up later.”

Matt’s face curdled with disgust.

“Wow. Well, I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to pour one out for your homies.”

The hallway mirror revealed that Sara was wearing her coat inside out, but before she could correct it, Matt’s hand was pressing against the dangling tag and compelling her toward the door.

“Let’s just stop having this same fight,” Mr. Williams called out to the vanishing couple. “What I wanted to say before…” He glanced at Kay. “We’re going to be at Suquamish through New Year’s. Sara mentioned that you’d be back from Savannah by then, so… well, Pam and Paul are coming up on New Year’s Eve. It’ll sort of be a celebration.”

Matt could only guess at what type of celebration his father was hinting at, and his only response was to slam the door shut behind him.

“That was unnecessary,” Sara said as they walked toward Matt’s car.

“Look, I don’t care what my father does now.” He gestured wildly in the direction of Kay’s house, as if they’d just left a pagan ritual. “But I hate how he’s so obsessed with assaulting my mother’s memory that he’ll lie about his life.”

It had started to rain, and drops of water struck Sara and rolled down her cheeks.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you notice? Dad’s miserable.”

“How did you reach that conclusion?”

“Are you blind? That woman. That house.”

“Mr. Williams says he’s happy now.”

“He’s lying!” Matt screamed, practically begging Sara to agree with him. “Don’t you see? I took everything from him!”

Sara’s tone was neither comforting nor confrontational, merely curious.

“What did you actually take from him?”

“He was always going on about money and freedom, how money was freedom, and now he’s getting by on social security, spending his Mondays listening to blog entries, and living with that cartoon. He can’t be happy.”

“Perhaps your actions forced him to re-evaluate his priorities.” Her next words were intended to comfort: “You might have helped him.”

When Matt realized Sara was right, all he could do was slam his fist into an unfortunately placed traffic sign.

“That’s not what I wanted,” he whispered.

At the end of the block, a cloudy lamppost hovered over a gray Mercedes that Sara and Matt entered on opposite sides. The trickles of light falling through the passenger-side window was enough for Matt to see Sara struggling with her seat belt, as hot tears mixed with the cold rain on her face. When the belt finally clicked in place, she started to laugh.

“Gina told me this was the only reason you wanted to come.” It was now Sara’s turn to quote her friend: “You just wanted to see Mr. Williams… ‘in hell.'”

Matt pulled away from the curb.

“Maybe so,” he confessed, “but you weren’t there. You didn’t see how awful he was to my mother…” He added perfunctorily, “…to me. You can’t judge me.”

“No, I’m not judging you. It’s just…” She’d stopped laughing. “I guess Gina knows you better than I do.”

They drove home without speaking but not in silence. Once they reached the interstate, Matt, with a defiant flourish, switched on the radio, which had already started playing Christmas music.

 
 

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Thanksgivingmas…

Thanksgivingmas…

November 22, 2012

The house in Kent, Washington where Matt Williams’s father lived now was a single, faded brown brick, with gasps of smoke wafting up from the narrow chimney like hot breath on an icy night. The roof was primped and pomaded with spirals of multicolored lights, like a sparkling fright wig. Shining garland shadowed the facing windows, whose snowflake-shaped irises twinkled flirtatiously at the moonlight.

There was a solemn nativity scene with plastic newborn and doting parents on one side of the dim brown lawn and on the other, a flashing Snoopy dressed as Santa Claus drove a sleigh with Frosty the Snowman and a confused wise man as passengers.

“I guess they couldn’t wait until after the weekend to kick off the eye pollution,” Matt said disgustedly, pausing on the neutral ground of the driveway to check his iPhone. “This has to be the wrong house.”

Glittering soft tinsel twisted around Snoopy Claus and sprinkled flickering salt on Sara Richter’s black leather boots, which crunched along the short gravel driveway as she continued toward the front door.

“It’s the correct address,” she said. The incongruous lawn decorations hadn’t diminished her certainty, and Matt, carrying a bottle of mid-range wine, hurriedly joined her on the stoop. Both the porch light and his wife’s face radiated a competing stoic glow, and he quickly pressed his lips against the warm streaks of honey lying across her cheek.

“Should we sing carols?” he whispered.

Sara smiled, and two tiny lines appeared briefly in the corners of her eyes as her gloved knuckles rapped against the door.

“That won’t be necessary.”

And it wasn’t as the door soon swung open to release an onslaught of Christmas music that leapt onto Sara and Matt like poorly trained dogs.

Mark Williams greeted them in khaki shorts and a red plaid shirt with enough buttons undone to reveal a white, coffee-stained tee and a silver bristle of chest hair. His craggy face boasted at least two weeks of beard growth. It struck Sara that, for the first time in her memory, Mr. Williams looked like a retired person.

“Come in! Come in!” he ordered the two guests. “You’re letting out all the heat.”

Father and son shook hands efficiently, and the former startled Sara with a hug.

The distance from the front door to the living room was crossed before Sara had fully removed her coat, which Mr. Williams hastily took and flung onto a libidinous pile on the double bed in the room across the hall. The door was wide open and Matt noticed matching cans of Rainer beer on each bedside table.

The living room was crammed with tchotchkes of no purpose aside from sentiment. They so crowded the space, it seemed as if every little ceramic owl or glass pear absorbed all the light from the half dozen or so authentic imitation Tiffany lamps.

Sara felt her way forward, her lithe arms outstretched as though struck blind, and the gray sleeve of her sweater dress rustled against the wallpaper’s dark floral print, which seemed to grow a little into the room and smelled of stale tobacco.

Mr. Williams’s thick fingers squeezed into Sara and Matt’s shoulders and he compelled them further inside where a caravan had assembled among the mismatched furniture. A slender German shepherd patrolled the room, never feeling quite settled until it could see to its satisfaction that everyone else was. However, the guests formed a cheery merry-go-round along the living room and through the kitchen, so the dog was never entirely still either.

“Everybody!” Mr. Williams shouted, and the crowd briefly turned away from raucous conversations, plastic cups of beer, and the football game on the TV. “This is my son and daughter-in-law.”

No further introductions were provided or apparently required, and indeed, everyone afterward referred to Sara and Matt by their first names, as though resuming a previously established acquaintanceship.

Matt removed his glasses and glanced around the house again before resting his dark eyes on his father, who leaned against the painted cushion of thick leaves on the wall.

“Are you hallucinating all this, too?” Matt whispered to Sara, who didn’t look at all surprised because, having had no expectations of her own, she merely accepted whatever she saw and heard.

The scent of pepper, geraniums, and cloves, which Sara noticed on Mr. Williams when he’d hugged her, exploded into the room, as if someone had smashed a perfume bottle.

A booming, deep voice asked, “Are the kids here?”

“Yeah!” Mr. Williams responded eagerly. “They finally made it.”

There was a blur of movement, which jostled the pre-lit Christmas tree, and a woman in her middle fifties swept over to Sara and Matt. Her peaked face was powdered with thick clumps of makeup that gave the impression of an aggressive ski slope, and a black varnish covered her head, which glinted blue from the fiber-optic flames of plastic candles on the mantel.

“Well, it’s mighty good to see you two.”

Matt looked askance.

“Who the…”

“It’s good to be here,” Sara said quickly. “Have you known Mr. Williams long?”

The woman rejected Sara’s extended hand and threw her stout arms around her.

“Oh, we’ve been shacked up for a few months now. ” She pulled Matt close and he bent forward stiffly and with resistance like a rusty lever. “Mark helped me put up the decorations. I can never wait until December. A month just isn’t enough time.”

An old woman, who Matt thought might have been a leftover plastic skeleton from Halloween, shuffled past them.

“She calls it Thanksgivingmas,” the old woman muttered as she eased open the bathroom door.

The assertion was conceded through snorts of laughter, and Mr. Williams pulled himself loose from the wallpaper to finally introduce his lady friend.

“This is Kathleen Kaye,” he said brightly.

“But you can just call me Kay.”

“So,” Matt said deliberately, “Kay Kaye?”

“She’s the New York City of gals — so nice, they named her twice!”

Sara nodded.

“OK.”

Kay nudged Sara in her ribs, which were still mildly bruised from her embrace, and winked at Mr. Williams.

“That’s what he says!”

“We brought wine,” said Matt, grimly accepting that it was Kay to whom he should offer the hostess gift.

“Ain’t you sweet?” she exclaimed, seizing the bottle by its neck. “If Washington takes it home, we’ll celebrate in style! Now, come on, let’s get you some food.”

The kitchen was just a few feet away, where the leafy wallpaper had spread like weeds, and inside, pots and pans simmered on the stove, and casserole dishes kept warm in the white chrome oven or rested over cork board hot plates on the gray countertops.

A train of guests loaded their hupcap-sized red plastic plates with turkey slices, mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese, stuffing with sausage, and assorted pies. It was a stark change from Thanksgivings at Gina Merrick’s where the kitchen was closed to all but a couple authorized sous chefs, of which Sara was one, and her husband Charlie was posted like an usher by the stage door to ensure no one else entered.

Sara noticed how the kitchen actually looked like a large, expansive meal had been cooked there — even the closed set at Gina’s was in a perpetual state of thorough cleanliness as if the food had just appeared. Gina insisted on a Creationist approach to dinner parties, rather than revealing the cold brutal evolutionary truth of food preparation.

Kay’s long red acrylic nails clattered over Sara and Matt’s backs like a puppy scampering across hardwood.

“I was a little nervous about feeding a chef but I said to myself, give someone food made from the heart and it’ll always taste good.”

“Yeah, well,” Matt said, peering mournfully into the pot of buttery mashed potatoes, “this will definitely go straight to my heart.”

“Help yourselves!” Kay said before returning to a tense-sounding moment in the football game. “There’s plenty.”

“I think the line starts here,” Sara told Matt, and she stood behind a young woman no older than twenty whose plate wobbled atop her very pregnant belly.

“This is something,” he whispered. “Our first visit to a soup kitchen.”

Sara exhaled sharply, which had become her unconscious reaction whenever Matt was melodramatic.

“Can you imagine what Gina would think of this formica horror show?” He ran a finger over the countertop as if wearing a thin white glove. “She’d have a stroke.”

In the past year, Matt had begun ascribing to Gina Merrick the same reactions his mother might’ve had to a situation if she were alive. It had steadily developed into an irritating pattern.

Sara folded her arms and stared at the gray drywall ceiling, which was chipped and cracked.

“Why don’t you go visit with Mr. Williams?” she said flatly. “We can share a plate.”

Matt looked gloomily at the food line and then the living room, and in a deliberate display of martyrdom went to join his father.

The young woman standing by Sara’s elbow turned and introduced herself as Donna. She played wanly with her hair, which was in a transitional state between bleached blonde and brown, as if she’d walked out in the middle of a color treatment.

“How do you know Kay?” she asked Sara.

“We just met actually.”

“You come for the food?” she whispered confidingly. “Lots of people in the neighborhood do.”

“Do you live nearby?”

“Down the street. My guy’s a cop so he’s working today. This is a lot better than takeout from Jack in the Box. It just feels wrong not having turkey on Thanksgiving.”

The woman behind Sara in line was also pregnant, and her condition was so advanced that the kitchen could conceivably become a delivery room. She was around Sara’s age or more accurately had lived for the same number of years. Her hair was ash-gray and lines populated her face like a cramped urban city center. Despite the gap in years between her and Donna, the present and the future converged from a position of mutual physical states, and soon, like the spread of a contagion, the subjects of strollers, car seats, and diapers consumed the conversation with merciless efficiency.

Whenever mothers discussed their children in her presence, Sara felt the same dull ache in her ear she’d experienced when high school classmates would talk about their boyfriends or whichever girl wasn’t present at the time. Her blue eyes scanned the room for something else to occupy her attention until the seizure of reproductive frenzy had passed.

“Do you know what you’re having, Laura?”

“A girl, which is great after three boys.” Sara let Laura toddle ahead of her in line, and she and Donna heaped their plates with every available dish. “You know what my oldest said?” Laura imitated a small child: “‘I’ll protect her!'”

Donna cooed appreciatively, while Sara perused the magnets suffocating the refrigerator door. Kay apparently had spent a lot of time in Washington state casinos.

“My middle one said, ‘Eew, I don’t like girls.'”

“That won’t last long.”

“And my youngest wonders if she’ll want to play cowboy and Indians with them.”

“They play cowboys and Indians?” Sara asked, unintentionally joining the conversation.

“Oh yeah, but I told him that they have to let her be the cowboy sometimes,” Laura replied proudly. “Do you have kids, Sara?”

“No, I don’t.”

Laura’s expression was a mixture of pity and suspicion, and Sara spotted another pregnant woman sneaking in line for a slice of pumpkin pie.

“Are you married? Seeing anyone?”

“I’m married.”

“So, what do you do?”

Sara started to answer as specifically as possible given the generality of the question, and as she spoke, the absence of drudgery and financial necessity in any of Sara’s daily activities thoroughly bewildered the two mothers.

“It’s great that your husband gives you the time to just relax,” Laura said after a moment. “I had the hardest time getting pregnant with this one because I was doing double shifts.”

Donna, who had to be at work at 8, took her plate into the other room. Laura continued giving Sara advice, which she accepted charitably as she prepared a plate of her own. Sara had long ago concluded that childbirth imparted upon a woman an area of expertise that, no matter how otherwise limited her experience, allowed her to lecture professorially and with great indulgence.

Matt sat across from his father in the living room on a creaky metal folding chair within a cocoon of contempt. He remained on the outskirts of the festivities, sipping from his plastic cup and refusing to be drawn into the surrounding pleasantries.

Sara carried a full plate over to her husband, but he now indicated that he didn’t want to risk marring his black, uncreased trousers with Kay’s meal. So Sara sat down with the plate that was intended for two and draped a red-and-green napkin over her lap. Taking long, orderly swallows, she drained a plastic cup she’d filled with water from the tap and placed it momentarily on a side table, where it intruded on a miniature nativity scene composed entirely of ceramic cats.

Kay attended to all the guests with no obvious distinction between family member, friend, or neighbor. She didn’t appear to have acquaintances. Two men who worked with her at the bank had sat quietly listening to the scratchy, tape-recorded Christmas music until the spirits in their red plastic cups possessed them with the spirits of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, and they soon joined Kay in a tuneless but joyous rendition of “Marshmallow World.”

Kay’s thirty-year-old son Paul was a cherub inflated pneumatically to adult proportions. He referred to his wife Pam repeatedly as “my love,” “my darling” and “my sweetie” with such passionate insistence he might have believed it himself. He spoke in a low wheeze, as if the air was leaking from an unseen hole in his fleshiness. At some point during the afternoon, Paul had acquired a streak of dark brown stuffing on his round dimpled chin, but Sara could never find a pause in his filibuster to inform him of it so later in a burst of sudden intimacy, she wiped it off with her napkin like a mother cleaning a baby’s bottom.

Pam sat on the sofa with her legs spread wide apart and the balled fist of one hand pressed into the thigh of her faded sweat pants. She cheered along with Mr. Williams when Washington won the game.

“Cool Hand Luke did it!” she shouted, trading a high-five with Matt’s father. “What’d I tell ya, Mark!”

“Do you follow football closely?” Sara asked politely.

“You bet!” Pam spoke her words as if counting off push-ups. “It’s what I missed most when I was in Iraq.”

“You’re in the military?”

Matt believed only regimental life or a serious illness could explain Pam’s close-cropped haircut.

“Not the ‘military.'” Mark Williams gruffly corrected, adding with a touch of paternal pride, “The marines. No one in the service says ‘military.'”

Matt’s mouth tightened, but icy words seeped through the tiny crack in his face.

“You’re in the ‘marines’, Pam?”

“Was,” she answered genially, and her veiny, muscular hands kneaded Paul’s doughy shoulder. “Served two tours then came back to my man.”

Kay, appearing in a puff of perfume behind Sara’s chair, stuck a plastic candle in the pumpkin pie slice on her plate.

“Little birdie told me your birthday was on the 11th.” She batted plastic eyelashes at Mr. Williams. “You’re nineteen, right? That’s why you’re not drinking.”

“No,” Sara replied. “I’m thirty-four.”

Extended and frequent interactions were required before Sara could tell when someone was joking, so she was left wondering how Kay could have possibly confused her for a teenager.

“Sara doesn’t drink,” Matt said curtly.

“Good for her! More people need to find Jesus.” She winked at the portrait of Christ on the wall. “He’ll keep you on the right path.”

“You said it, Mommy!”

“Mommy?” Matt repeated in impulsive shock.

“It’s my little nickname,” Paul laughingly explained.

“A bold choice.”

Sara cut off a piece of pie with her plastic fork. It was the only item served, including the macaroni and cheese, that didn’t contain meat — although there was a curious aftertaste that aroused her suspicions.

Paul Kaye reached across the battered coffee table and passed Matt a business card with the illicit secrecy of a note exchange in grade school.

“‘Pam and Paul Pan-Media’,” Matt read aloud. He paused as he considered the amateurishly drawn figure on the card’s face. “Is this a goat man?”

Blonde hair brushed across Matt’s crisp blue shirt as Sara leaned over to examine the image.

“I believe that’s Pan, the god of fertility.”

Matt tapped the card idly against his nose.

“So, what’s the service exactly?”

“We’re an all-inclusive, boutique creative co-op,” Pam answered.

“That’s a mouthful!”

“Aside from fertility,” Paul said with a giggle, as if repeating a naughty word, “Pan represents wooded glens… like the ones in Seattle.”

“I see.” Matt had stopped looking at Pam and Paul and instead stared at Kay, whose wide hips spread across the arm of his father’s plaid Barcalounger. The couple shared a plate of food and a cup of beer.

“We put your dreams on stage,” Paul continued.

“What does that mean?” Sara asked.

“Oh, it doesn’t mean anything specific. It’s a slogan. It captures your attention.”

“Just like the goat man did, honey,” Matt noted.

“We utilize the entire media sphere to help people self-actualize their grandest dreams,” Pam explained, and her husband joined her for the next word, “Pan-Media! Paul’s a photographer and videographer — he’s the Chief Cinematography Officer — and I specialize in a holistic, life-affirming approach to nutrition and fitness for effective weight loss.”

“She’s our Chief Energy Officer,” Paul boasted.

Sara swallowed some more pie and asked, “Losing weight is a dream?”

“Absolutely! You know how many women I meet who allow their weight to become an obstacle to what they want out of life? They won’t start dating until they lose that last twenty pounds. And, of course, they can’t go to that great new restaurant by themselves or go on vacation alone, so they never take time off…”

“Yes,” Sara agreed, “that doesn’t make sense.”

“Right, so I help them lose the weight, so they can truly live. And if you think about it, what do you want most after you lose weight?”

Matt’s wide shoulders shrugged wearily.

“What’s that?”

“New photos!” Pam and Paul said in unison.

“How did you get started in this endeavor?”

Pam placed her hands on her knees.

“Oh, things were pretty tight for us when I got back. Paul had a few gigs here and there, but I was getting tired of sending out resumes and then sitting around waiting for someone to call me back.”

“So, we thought, heck, we live for each other; why not work for each other?”

Pam nodded, smiling, and added, as if suddenly remembering, “We’ve also started wedding planning.”

“How does that fit into your business model?”

“You don’t need a license for it, right?” suggested Matt.

“No, you don’t! Just a strong social media presence: Facebook, Twitter, and your own Web site. It’s what we call ‘Pan-Media’ in action. Paul takes the wedding pictures, and I get the bride and groom in excellent shape for the big day. And we both organize the wedding.”

“That’s an interesting idea,” Sara said.

“Entrepreneurship!” Mr. Williams bellowed over the TV. “Backbone of the nation. It’s what sets America apart.”

Matt mockingly saluted his father while Pam examined Sara’s lengthy frame from head to foot.

“I don’t think there’s much we can do for you,” she admitted. “You’re married and in great shape!”

“I’m happy to photograph you both, though,” Paul said. “Everyone needs more photos, especially happy folks.”

“I appreciate the offer,” Sara said, starting her polite refusal, when Paul suddenly grabbed her hand and squeezed.

“You know, Mark mentioned that you two own that Italian place in Ballard.”

“Matt does, yes.”

“We’ve been wanting to go ever since it opened,” Pam said, “but it’s a little…”

She laughed nervously, and Paul supplied the missing adjective by rubbing his thumb against the tip of his fingers.

“The menu’s priced at the appropriate level to convey value,” Matt replied shortly, quoting Gina Merrick.

“Perhaps you’d like to join us one…”

“Come by on a Monday,” Matt interrupted, pausing to look at his wife as if she’d taken leave of her senses. “Tell the hostess I sent you and they’ll give you the royal treatment.”

Mondays were the one day of the week when Matt didn’t stop by at least one of his restaurants.

“That’s so nice of you! Now, you’ve gotta let us shoot you two. Have you posed for your Christmas card yet?”

“That’s OK,” Matt said, coldly polite. “Don’t worry about it. We can call it even for Iraq.”

— from The Wrong Questions

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2014 in The Wrong Questions

 

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Facebook Etiquette…

Charlie looked up from his Surface tablet.

“That photo of you and the girls in matching sunglasses is a big hit on Facebook.”

“It is a nice shot of me,” Gina corroborated. “How many ‘Likes’ did it receive?”

“Lemme check. You know, people complain that Surface doesn’t have the Facebook app but you can access the Web version just as easily through Internet Explorer.”

“I’m sure,” she replied, only half-listening, as she read quietly from the Wall Street Journal app on her iPad.

“Forty-eight likes,” Charlie declared. “That’s funny. You’re not one of them.”

“Liking your own photo is tacky, Charlie. Besides, I tend to filter the profiles of people who post a lot about their kids.”

“Even me?”

“Especially you,” Gina confirmed. “I can’t make personal exceptions or I lose all credibility.”

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2013 in The Wrong Questions

 

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Go west, young woman…

The most populous and prosperous city in Regina Peyton Cody’s native state of Georgia was Atlanta, which was also sensibly its capital. She had to adjust to the dissonance of Olympia or Salem having that honor over Seattle or Portland. It ran counter to what she perceived as the natural order of existence — the biggest and most powerful is the best: a simple rule she’d mastered early in her life. And that’s what was important to understand about Gina Merrick, as she was now known: She always followed the rules. So, after graduating from Lovett in 1997, she’d left Atlanta for Seattle, advancing several ambitious but still conservative rungs up the metropolitan ladder, and enrolled at the University of Washington, a school that ranked higher than her older brother Tom’s alma mater, UGA (when he was there in the early ’90s, she’d refer to it as “Ugh!” in that way younger sisters had).

Tom graduated from “Ugh!” in 1994 and leaped straight to New York, the largest city in the country. He’d floundered there without any real agenda, which was regrettable but nonetheless worked to Gina’s advantage. The Northwest was easier to sell to her parents now. It boasted fresh air and actual trees, all in stark contrast to that urine-tinted garden of hobos and gang members planted in the middle of Manhattan.

Tom had also moved to New York with a girl of questionable background named “Jasmine.” (People of questionable backgrounds always named their children after nature… for instance, some form of shrubbery  — “Rose” or “Violet ” — or even the elements — “Rain” or “Storm” — because they had nothing else.) Gina was not so reckless as to entertain a relationship with someone socially unacceptable; however, she allowed her parents to believe it was possible (there was power in unpredictability), so a city that restricted its diversity to its foliage had a natural appeal to the Codys over New York and even Atlanta.

So Regina Cody headed west.

–from The Wrong Questions

 
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Posted by on August 28, 2013 in The Wrong Questions

 

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“The Wrong Questions,” Act One, Scene Two

“The Wrong Questions,” Act One, Scene Two

The following’s an excerpt from my play “The Wrong Questions.” For those who came in late, CHARLIE, GINA, MATT, and SARA have known each other since college. SARA has abruptly left her husband, MATT, and is currently staying at CHARLIE and GINA’s home for a few days.

SCENE TWO

(EARLY MORNING THE NEXT DAY — GINA is in the living room, dressed for her morning run. Her outfit does not look like something in which one actually sweats. She is stretching throughout the scene, in a way that gradually becomes more absurdly dramatic. CHARLIE enters. He is not dressed for running.)

GINA
I didn’t hear you come to bed.

CHARLIE
Sorry, Matt was a wreck. We wound up talking most of the night.

GINA
Like college all over again. Not that I mind your consoling him. Matt certainly needs you now.

CHARLIE
It took a while to convince him not to race over here and beg Sara to come back home.

GINA
Poor dear. Perhaps Matt should consider letting her go. For his own sake, of course.

CHARLIE
Never gonna happen. He’s as crazy about her now as he was when they met.

GINA
Why? I mean, I would never question love, but it was always an interesting match. Sara’s so… unique. And Matt’s always had such refined tastes.

CHARLIE
Yeah, not like me.

GINA
Excuse me?

CHARLIE
You know, he was the art lover and foodie. Sara was never into that. Would you like some coffee?

GINA
After the run. Mango-Pineapple smoothie before. I assume you’re not joining me?

CHARLIE
I would but I’m wrecked. Think I’ll have some coffee and maybe go into the office for a couple hours. There are just a few things I need to get done.

GINA
I see.

CHARLIE
I know I’ve been slacking. I’ll get back into the swing of things next week.

GINA
Sure you will. Besides, it’s not me you’re disappointing. It’s yourself. And the running community. Unlike me, they can be very judgmental.

(SARA enters.)

GINA
Good morning, honey. I’d hug you but I’m about to get all sweaty. Charlie can hug you, though.

(CHARLIE hugs SARA. She does not return it.)

CHARLIE
Mornin’. How’d you sleep?

SARA
Fine.

GINA
So glad to hear it. Not that there was any doubt: The mattress is latex foam, which is eco-friendly with better temperature control, the sheets are 1500 thread count, and you had that bed of nails at home. Your choice, of course, but it couldn’t have been good for your back.

SARA
I slept the same as I always do.

GINA
Really? Give it some time. You’ll get used to comfort and never want to leave! But I should get going myself. I’ll be back in about an hour. (to CHARLIE) Didn’t you want to head into the office? Don’t worry about keeping Sarah company. She’s got that book she’s reading.

SARA
I finished it last night.

GINA
How nice. Would you like a recommendation for your next one? My book club just began that very exciting novel that’s everyone’s been talking about.

SARA
That’s fine. I’m actually about to start “Uncommon Grounds: The History of Coffee and How It Transformed Our World.”

GINA
Well, doesn’t that sound like something you’d enjoy!  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must run – literally!

(GINA exits. SARA sits on the couch with her book.)

CHARLIE
So, how’s our Runaway Bride this morning?

SARA
I don’t understand your reference.

CHARLIE
It’s a Julia Roberts movie. It was on TNT the other night. She leaves guys at the altar.

SARA
That’s not what I did.

CHARLIE
No, I guess not. You did get married. And it’s been 8 years.

SARA
7 years and 4 months.

CHARLIE
And now you say you don’t want to do it anymore. Be married. Sorry, Gina told me what you said last night. Hope that isn’t a problem. We tell each other everything.

SARA
No, that’s fine. She can share information with whoever she wants. Though, didn’t Matt tell you first?

CHARLIE
Sure. But you know there’s what you tell him and what you tell Gina.

SARA
Why would it be different?

CHARLIE
People like to confide in Gina. The women at her job, our female friends, even my sister… they all adore her. They think she’s a “righteous dude.” (laughs)

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
Yeah, right, you wouldn’t have seen that. Sorry. Anyway, I just assumed you might be more comfortable talking to Gina.

SARA
My comfort wouldn’t change the reality of the situation. It is what it is.

CHARLIE
That’s what I’ve always liked about you. You’re a straight shooter. Would you like some coffee?

SARA
Yes, that’d be fine.

CHARLIE
Coming right up – so espresso, cappuccino, or latte?

SARA
Plain coffee is fine.

CHARLIE
Oh. Yeah, we actually got rid of the regular coffeemaker to make space for the second espresso machine.

SARA
You have two espresso machines? Don’t they do the same thing?

CHARLIE
No, that’s not true. The first one we got is more traditional. You can really control your extraction and get a café quality cup. However, the newer one is completely automatic. It does everything for you, which is preferable for large dinner parties. I usually use the automatic one because I can’t really tell the difference but Gina says she can. And she likes having both of them. Hey, I know. I can make you an “Americano” – it’s espresso and water. It kind of tastes like regular coffee.

SARA
That’s fine.

CHARLIE
OK, just a sec.

(CHARLIE exits living room to kitchen. He starts to speak while making the beverages, but the noise from the espresso machine is too loud. SARA reads her book until he returns after a moment with two cups, one of which he hands to her.)

CHARLIE
That’s my first Americano, so let me know if it’s too strong or too weak.

SARA
(taking a sip)
It’s fine.

CHARLIE
Great! Always happy to try new things. Though, I am surprised you wanted regular coffee.

SARA
Why is that?

CHARLIE
You’re reading that coffee book. So, I figured you liked coffee.

SARA
I do. That’s why I’m drinking it.

CHARLIE
No, I mean really liked coffee. Doesn’t the book go into aromas, blends, and the right beans to use?

SARA
Actually, it focuses on the history of the coffee trade, particularly the slavery and exploitation involved in its mass production.

CHARLIE
Well then. I guess that’s “Sara Story: Return of the Jedi.”

SARA
I don’t understand your reference.

CHARLIE
Oh, that’s my way of keeping track of the anecdotes about you. The one about the books you read would be the sixth. (pause, as SARA still does not know what CHARLIE is talking about.) “Return of the Jedi” is the sixth “Star Wars” film.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
So, I was talking to the girls this morning. They’re at Gina’s parents for the weekend. I said, “Guess what? Your Aunt Sara’s staying with us.” And they asked, “Where’s Uncle Matt?” Kids just know, you know?

SARA
Not really. What point are you making?

CHARLIE
They know when people belong together.

SARA
They probably just asked about Matt because they usually see us together. I don’t think it’s anything more than that.

CHARLIE
I dunno. Kids are pretty insightful.

SARA
I think they’re still at the age when they just observe things around them without adding their own emotionally biased conclusions. Unfortunately, children usually grow out of that.

CHARLIE
I have to say: The circumstances might not be ideal, but it’s honestly great to be able to sit here and catch up. You remember the old times? The four of us? We took that trip to Scandinavia for Leigh’s wedding. We were a bunch of kids, roughing it in a hostel.

SARA
That was Matt and me. You and Gina stayed in hotels.

CHARLIE
Yeah, well, we would have. Gina was up for it. She’s really adventurous, but she knew me. She knew I’d never get a good night’s sleep because I’d be concerned about how all the men there would be looking at her. Some of those guys in those hostels have never seen a woman like Gina before.

SARA
In Sweden?

CHARLIE
You know, not necessarily the guys from the country itslef, but from what I understand the guys who stay in those places.

SARA
Like Matt?

CHARLIE
No, I mean, you know what I mean.

SARA
No, I don’t.

CHARLIE
Forget about where we stayed. The trip itself was great, so much fun. Remember that night in Copenhagen? We went to the amusement park. You guys wandered off after dinner. You wound up watching the fireworks as the park closed. It was really romantic. Remember that?

SARA
Yes. But how do you?

CHARLIE
Huh?

SARA
That was just Matt and me.

CHARLIE
Oh. Well, he told me, of course.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
He thinks about that night a lot.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
Won’t you miss it? Nights like that.

SARA
How can I miss what has already happened?

CHARLIE
What if Cindy finally gets married? Gina thinks it’s cruel to even dwell on it because that ship has probably sailed. We don’t think she’s serious about it. She won’t even let Gina edit her online profile. But let’s say a miracle happens and she meets someone. And maybe that person lives somewhere interesting.  And it was a childless wedding. It would be another big trip opportunity for the four of us. Potentially another romantic night. How can you miss out on that?

SARA
Why would Cindy invite me to her wedding? We barely know each other.

CHARLIE
She knows you as well as she knows Amy. Amy invited Cindy to hers, so Cindy would have to invite you both.

SARA
Amy didn’t invite me to her wedding.

CHARLIE
That’s different. Besides, Amy’s family was more concerned about money than Cindy’s would be. I don’t want you to take that the wrong way. I don’t like stereotypes but this is just one case where Amy’s family is really incredibly cheap.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
But I think we got off track. See, I think that when you’re upset with someone, you tend to get stuck in the moment and not remember the good times you’ve had or think about the good times you’re going to have.

SARA
Who are you upset with?

CHARLIE
No, not “me” you. “You” you.

SARA
I’m not upset with anyone.

CHARLIE
You just left your husband!

SARA
That’s true, but I’m not upset with him.

CHARLIE
Look, Gina wouldn’t think I should tell you this because it might spook you, but I talked to Matt last night.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
Does that surprise you?

SARA
No, you’re friends.

CHARLIE
He feels like you’re punishing him.

SARA
I’m not.

CHARLIE
That’s how he feels.

SARA
I’m still not.

CHARLIE
He says you won’t accept alimony, so he has no idea how you’re going to survive. Sorry, Gina always says we shouldn’t talk about money.

SARA
You do it all the time.

CHARLIE
Really?

SARA
You mention cross-country trips, dinners at expensive restaurants. You have two espresso machines.

CHARLIE
Well, I guess it’s wrong to directly reference money.

SARA
I have no issue with it. It’s a statement of fact. Anyway, I’ll be fine without Matt’s money.

CHARLIE
It’s your money, too.

SARA
No, it’s not.

CHARLIE
He feels like it is.

SARA
It’s still not.

CHARLIE
He says the offer still stands for you to stay at the house during all of this. He’s happy to find someplace else for the time being.

SARA
I’ll be fine at the motel until I save up for the deposit for an apartment.

CHARLIE
What are you going to live on?

SARA
I’m getting a job.

CHARLIE
Really? Aren’t you taking this a bit too far? What if you and Matt get back together?

SARA
That’s not going to happen.

CHARLIE
Hey, I hear you. I’m a listener, you know? And I hear what you’re saying. You spent your twenties taking classes and working part-time in bookstores and now you’re in your thirties and you want to start building a career. I understand completely. So, what are you going to do?

SARA
I’m applying to be a cook at the diner.

CHARLIE
The diner? You mean that place downtown?

SARA
No, not the “ironic” diner. The actual diner off the freeway.

CHARLIE
That’s still there?

SARA
Yes, but it’s struggling. More chain restaurants are opening off the same exit.

CHARLIE
It’s just weird that you’re going to be a cook.

SARA
It’s what I studied in college.

CHARLIE
Well, sure, but you didn’t do much with it when you graduated. And then you went back to school but took so many different classes, it was hard to determine what you were actually going to end up doing, which was always “Sara Story: Fellowship of the Ring” – the first one.

SARA
I think it will be satisfying work.

CHARLIE
But why the diner? Matt really wanted you to work at his restaurant. And I told him that you probably were reluctant to mix business and pleasure. That’s tough on a marriage, but there’s no reason you couldn’t be a sous chef someplace decent, especially with Matt’s connections. Hey, I doubt that diner’s beef is grass fed. I mean, you really want to make grilled cheese all day?

SARA
Yes, I do. I’m not interested in a lot of bells and whistles. I think it’s senseless to take something as simple as grilled cheese and tomato soup and turn it into Fontina and Gouda on Focaccia with soup made from tomatoes with names. People used to be perfectly content without knowing the names of the tomatoes in their soup.

CHARLIE
Well, Fontina and Gouda on Focaccia is what Gina and I learned to make at that couples cooking class that Matt got us for our anniversary last year. We enjoy it. Sure, it takes a little longer and tastes about the same, especially after the second beer, but I think it’s earned its place in our repertoire.

SARA
But it’s still a grilled cheese sandwich.

CHARLIE
Yeah, like my lobster burrito is just a burrito.

SARA
By definition, it is still a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling. Adding more expensive or exotic ingredients does not change its basic nature.

CHARLIE
Hey, I know where you’re going with this. I took an existentialism class in college. But here’s the thing. Can I be honest with you for a moment?

SARA
You don’t need my permission.

CHARLIE
You’re upset with Matt, I get that. But the thing you have to understand is that he is 100 percent committed to making this marriage work.

SARA
That’s fine. I’m not.

CHARLIE
He’ll even go to counseling with you if that’s what it takes.

SARA
What would be the point? The purpose of counseling is to preserve a marriage, which I don’t want to do.

CHARLIE
You know, compromise is not a dirty word.

SARA
I never said it was.

CHARLIE
Don’t you think you’re being a little selfish?

SARA
Yes.

CHARLIE
What?

SARA
You’re right. It wasn’t a mutual decision: I want to end the marriage and Matt does not. I understand this is hurtful to him but I’m proceeding anyway.

CHARLIE
But you don’t want to be selfish. No one wants that.

SARA
I don’t think it’s about wanting to be selfish or not. I’ve decided to end the marriage, so I’m fine if being considered selfish is the ramification of that decision.

CHARLIE
Did he forget your birthday or something? Just between you and me, I sometimes need my assistant to remind me of my anniversary. I always think it’s the week after. Matt’s pretty good about that sort of thing, but you have to understand it’s a difficult time for him. He’s nervous about opening the restaurant. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to you as much, not hearing what you have to say. See, I’m a good listener. I’m in tune with what my wife needs, which is why we’re so happy. But Gina does her part, too. She tells me what she wants.  That’s what’s so great about her. She’s a real open person. I’m not saying you’re not. But you have to admit you can be a little hard to read. No one has the faintest clue why you left Matt.

SARA
I couldn’t have been more clear: I left because I don’t want to be marred anymore.

CHARLIE
Come on! Everyone wants to be married.

SARA
I don’t.

CHARLIE
But you were. So something must have happened. You can tell me. We’ve known each other almost 15 years!

SARA
13 years and 4 months.

CHARLIE
So, an awful long time. You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to me.

SARA
I’m not.

CHARLIE
It feels like you are.

SARA
I’m still not. But you’re right. I did choose to get married. It’s what I wanted at the time. I liked the efficiency of marriage, the communal living and shared resources. I thought it was wasteful for two people to live in two places when two people could live in one place.

CHARLIE
Right, you were in love.

SARA
I think that statement is unrelated to what I’m saying.

CHARLIE
(overlapping)
And you wanted to still feel like you’re loved. I get that. It’s easy for a guy to get distracted with work and responsibility and not pay as much attention to the most important person in his life. I don’t have that problem. Gina is there for me. You know, how in those trust exercises, where your partner is behind you to catch you if you fall? That’s Gina. She lets me know if I’m falling, not doing my part. Again, it’s not a judgment about you. You might not have that innate sensitivity that Gina does, so maybe things got to a boiling point. But believe me, Matt hears the tea pot whistling.

SARA
I don’t understand your metaphors.

CHARLIE
Not important. What is important is that Matt hears what you’re saying loud and clear. Sure, maybe he hasn’t been as attentive in the romance department as he should have been. In fact, I told him just last month, “Gina gets fresh flowers at work every two weeks. And I vary the day of the week so it’s spontaneous.” Matt said you don’t like flowers or candy. Now, that makes it tougher but I said he needed to listen and hear what you were asking for.

SARA
I didn’t want anything.

CHARLIE
That’s what you say, sure, but just try to be more expressive with your feelings. I guarantee you’ll see an improvement. It’ll be like night and day. I’m telling you, Matt wants to fix this.

SARA
There’s nothing to fix. Well, to be clear, I don’t think anyone can fix the natural progression within a marriage from an equal balance to someone holding total power over the other.

CHARLIE
I have to disagree with you there. Gina and I have been married longer than you guys, and you can’t say that I have “total power” over her.

SARA
No, I wouldn’t say that.

CHARLIE
Of course not, because we’re a very progressive couple. But I do have a responsibility to her, as she does to me. And we have a shared responsibility to the girls. And they’ll eventually have one for us when we’re old.

SARA
That’s a lot of responsibility.

CHARLIE
That’s what family’s all about. Sacrifice. You have to give a little. Gina and I don’t always agree, but we talk and we listen to each other and we compromise. For instance, I thought the walls in the guest room should be painted white. Gina wanted a pale green. So we compromised.

SARA
The walls are pale green.

CHARLIE
Yes, well, white wouldn’t have worked with the armchair Gina bought. See, that’s where listening comes in. Sometimes the compromise is that you’re the one who compromises. But the important thing is that you did it together.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
So, the compromise for you and Matt could be that he gives up on the idea of your working in the restaurant with him. And you would move back home and work on the marriage.

SARA
How is that at all equitable?

CHARLIE
You can’t look at it that way. Marriage and family’s all about sacrifice and compromise.

SARA
What if I don’t want to do either?

CHARLIE
That’s a little unrealistic. You can’t maintain a marriage and a family if you’re not willing to sacrifice.

SARA
That’s my point. I’m not interested in maintaining a marriage.

CHARLIE
OK, this is a feminist thing, right? I know how you feel. Matt made all the money. You felt like you had no control in the relationship. So, now you want to live on your own and make your own way. I can respect that, but you can still do that while keeping an open mind about your marriage. No matter what you feel Matt might have done, you can’t say he doesn’t know about sacrifice. He wanted to open his own restaurant years ago but he knew it wasn’t the right time. He had to think about you.

SARA
I never asked him to do that.

CHARLIE
Well, you don’t ask someone if you can sacrifice for them. You just do it because it’s what you should do.

SARA
I have to go. I need to take my application back to the diner.

CHARLIE
C’mon, you don’t wanna do that.

SARA
What do you mean?

CHARLIE
Can you really stand there and tell me you want to work at some greasy spoon diner?

SARA
Yes. In fact, I already did.

CHARLIE
You could work for me.

SARA
What?

CHARLIE
I mean it. There’s an opening at my firm for an admin. It would be no trouble. I’d just have to make a phone call. You’d get to have something separate from Matt but still in the real world.

SARA
I couldn’t do that.

CHARLIE
Oh, it’s not that tough. And don’t worry about working in the same office as me. I never talk to the admins.

SARA
No, I mean, I’m not interested in even assisting in the business of manipulating money for the sole purpose of deriving income from the ownership of property rather than the production of goods.

CHARLIE
Now, I don’t think that’s an entirely fair assessment of what we do. There’s also management of retirement savings – basically little old ladies’ pensions. Though, I guess there’s less of that given the current market, so maybe it is more of what you describe right now.

SARA
OK.

CHARLIE
I’m not saying I love it, but it allows me to provide for my family, which is the important thing. My dad hated his job but he never made much money, and like Gina says, if you’re going to do something you don’t like, you might as well get paid a lot for it.

SARA
Couldn’t you just do something that satisfies you?

CHARLIE
(puts on “mobster” voice)
Oh. Who’s being naïve, Kay?

SARA
My name isn’t…

CHARLIE
(overlapping)
It’s easy enough to get a job doing what you want, but it’s not so easy to get a job that lets you have the life you want. I want the right life for my family. They come first. I’m a family man. My job is just what helps me make them happy. Now, I thought about doing something else when I graduated, maybe teaching, and Gina was totally supportive. That’s how she is. But she knew how much I wanted a family, so she pointed out that if I taught, we’d have to put off having kids until we could get a house in the right neighborhood with the right schools. And there are all the basics that kids need that you have to consider – like the piano lessons and the jazzercise classes. See? That’s what you gain from marriage. Someone who is always thinking of you and putting you first.

SARA
Can’t you adequately put yourself first without the assistance of someone else?

CHARLIE
See, again, that’s just selfish.

SARA
But it’s not selfish if someone else does it for you?

CHARLIE
Right. Now, you hear what I’m saying.

.

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Social Commentary

 

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